Notes From Inside The Closet

This blog is for everyone who wants to come out, everyone who is coming out, everyone who is out and everyone who doesn't want to come out. Here, we can write letters to ourselves, to the people we want to come out to and anyone else about coming out.

July 31, 2014 12:32 am

Dear 10 year old me,

You have a bit of a rough time coming for you. You will spend the next 3 years or so very confused. There will be mountains and there will be valleys, but you will be strong through it all. Just in the next year you will start to feel “different”, and that’s okay. You aren’t like those girls who talk about all the cute boys, you want to talk about how cute Morgan is, and how you are REALLY ACTUALLY in love with Hannah Montanta. Although you won’t be able to express those feelings to anyone for a while, you can make it through it all. 

You will be so scared that night when you tell Alex you *might* be gay. It’s okay, she doesn’t care.She will be your “person” while you need her. You are so lucky to have her.

When mom reads those texts about that one girl you like, it is not the end of the world. You needed a way to come out to her anyways, right? This is a great thing, don’t be embarassed, you already know she doesn’t care at all.

There will come  time when you are in a Valley so low you feel like you can’t find a way out. Keep on keeping on because it will get better, you will be happy one day. You will get out of that awful west Texas town with those awful west Texas Bigots. Open up to that teacher you know is lesbian, she will inspire you to stay sane through that year. 

You will get out of that town and move half way across the country, all the way to California. It will be one of the best things that have happened in your life. This is your new home. The people here love you.

Just keep your head up in all of your valleys, and don’t forget to look down into your valleys to see how far you have come when you are standing on your mountain.

12:32 am 12:30 am

Hi my love,

First of all I want to say that I love you more than I ever knew possible. Thinking about you sometimes consumes me, and I so very much wish I could talk to everyone about how much I love you. But as we have not come out as a couple I have had to look to different avenues of expressing myself.

Writing this letter to you is a documentation of our lives, just in case we never get the chance to tell anyone.

Our firsts (part one):

My very first impression of you was that you were very shy.

The first time we spent time together was at a party and I couldn’t stop listening to you. I was hanging on your every word soaking it up as if it were the most delicious wine I had ever had.

The first time we spent together without other people I was nerves. I didn’t want you to know I fancied you as to not make you uncomfortable, so I tried to avoid eye contact as much as possible. I avoided standing too close to you. Still, saying that, I looked for excuses to touch you or to stand close to you.

We were so innocent. 

That night when we were out looking at the stars, I walked away and looked back at you. You were holding yourself against the cold and as I looked back I had that “glass breaking” moment. I knew I was in love. That one moment, you can literately feel something is changing inside of you. It shocked me. I shook my head as to shake myself out of it. Yet I woke the next morning and thoughts of you flooded my mind. I cried in the shower that morning as I realised this is it. I am gay. My life has now changed. I thought of my parents and my friends and what society thinks of big ‘ol lesbians like me. I knew there was no more denying it as I will not be able to deny you. You were under my skin.

That day, that very weird and wonderful day, when you realized you felt something for me. That day when you couldn’t look me in the eye, but you found the courage to stretch out your arm. When your arm landed on my side my insides felt like it was bouncing against each other. I stopped breathing… the moment was so big. My heart beat was thunderous! I was sure you could hear it.

Our first time lying in bed together just looking at each other. I tried to think of what it is that you see in me. You’re so beautiful, you’re so smart and thoughtful and soft-hearted. Why do you look at me like my face is the only image you ever want to see? I would look at the creases next to your mouth when you smile. Your eyes when the light changes. The way your nose flares when you laugh really hard. How your expression lightens when you tell me you love me. I loved how you kept on kissing my face. Your lips touching my skin gave (still does) my warm chills.

The first time we had a full on kiss. We were each other’s’ firsts. The feeling of your tong was incredible. I then knew… this is what they talk about in the movies. This is what I was supposed to feel all this time. It was a transportation method into another universe where love, lust and pure unadulterated craving comes together and takes over logical thought. Our magical moment.

The first time we fought I was distraught! I was so overcome by the feelings of your discard that the tears just came without end. You didn’t understand why I was crying so ferociously and you still probably do not. After such a very powerful and emotional couple of weeks (all good ones), overwhelming me, it started to build up and the walls finally burst open and came pouring down my face. I can’t contain it, nor will I ever wish to do so. It’s my clearing out process enabling me to take more in.

To be continued…

July 25, 2014 3:49 am

Inside wants out - a letter/poem

To all those suffocating in their closets,

Life outside my closet is a distant memory for me

I do not remember the joys of light-hearted freedom

Nor the comfort of security

Or the feel of basking in the rays of a life without worry

My heart is always heavy with this weight

And the cloud over my shoulder compels me to the shadows

I am shackled to this closet and it shall forever own me

I see the exit and yet a paralysing fear prevents me from reaching for it

To all those suffocating in their closets

I feel I may never escape mine

I am the machine of a being with no soul

Flesh and bone but no heart

And with every ticking hour the memory of who I once was fades

With every passing moon the light of who I could become grows weak

I am a shell

Now inhabited by the monster that is my fear and it devours me

I fear that soon there will be nothing left of me

Biologically I am alive. But I shall cease to exist

And everyday I wake up with the fear that I will die in here

I am suffocating

I cannot contain it any longer

I am a pressurised can

The reality of who I truly am is bursting through the very seams of my being

Seeping through my pores and ripping through my skin as I struggle to contain it

I try to placate it, but it is no use

I know it will tear me apart if I burst

I cannot contain it any longer

But I know I cannot tell them

The days spent sitting in the living room

When she would look over at me and casually say

"Gosh, there’s too many gays on the TV nowadays"

And I can only shrug in response

And even though I shrug

My throat closes and the world around me fades

So that all that exists is the sound of blood as it rushes in my ears

Beating to the repeated statement

"She will never understand"

And in these moments, I know

I cannot tell them

Let me tell you what being gay really means to me

Imagine two scenarios

In the first, I am the bride in white

Stood at the altar looking down at my family

Their faces glowing with pride and joy

But I am stood beside a man I cannot love

The concept of an eternity with him is daunting

The idea of his touch repulses me

The expectations of my “wedding night” disgust me

You know - that sickening feeling so strong it sears your throat

I will never be happy with him

But I will always belong

Scenario two. I am marrying the woman I love

And in her eyes I see a passion that burns brighter than the sun

And I could ask for nothing more than to wake up to her perfect smile

But stood at the altar looking out at the crowd

I am met by a sea of unknown faces, my family are not in attendance

On the day I broke their heart I lost the right to call them so

I am dead to them

I am the girl with no family to which I belong

No surname to which I am affiliated

I am the girl with no origins. No history. No background

A tree with no roots, I can never truly grow or flourish

This is what being gay really means to me

A choice between myself and my family

And so I am stuck, A leg on each island

As they drift further apart never to collide again

Tearing me down the middle

How am I supposed to make this decision?

I just stand there stretching

To all those walking on eggshells

I live my life walking on the shells of my now forgotten freedom

Every step I make towards the exit is a plunge.

And every step I take is one step closer to the day my luck runs out.

So that every step I take is loaded with the fear that the ground will dissolve beneath me and I might fall into the fiery depths that is my worst nightmare

And so I stop stepping

My friends have always told me I am strong but they do not see beyond my façade - I am a coward

I stop stepping because I fear the fall

I stop stepping because I fear the possibility of success even more

I am a coward. I stop stepping. And so I am trapped here

To all those walking on egg shells

Why do we condemn ourselves to walk alone?

Has it not been said that two heads are better than one?

So to all those suffocating in their closets

To all those braving the unstable path of eggshells towards freedom

Let me help you

If I am to stay trapped in my closet, let me help you

To do what I fear I will forever be too cowardly to do

Let me live vicariously through you

So that I may see in you the happiness I will never feel for myself

And I will lift you high above my shoulders like the golden trophy that you are

The shining star that I can only hope to become

And I will guide you past these eggshells and fight back your nightmares

Lay myself bare for you so that I may become the concrete path you walk upon towards your freedom

And then I will step back into my shadows and watch you step out into the light

At least one of us should make it out alive…

July 22, 2014 1:42 am

You,

You have no idea what it did to me when you told me I was lying about being bisexual. You said it was a phase and that you doubted I would ever actually end up with another girl. I want to say f**k you.  want to tell you to get lost and not to bother me, that I am independent about who I am and you will never change that.

But I can’t.

When you said that, I felt hollow. I began to doubt myself. Now I believe I’m a traitor to the community. I’m scared that my bisexuality is a lie to myself because I know that being straight automatically makes me an outsider to those I support. That I’m not a true bisexual woman; I’m just a poser with a pathetic attempt at being accepting and loving.

That’s what you made me believe.

And I’m so scared it’s true.

Me.

1:42 am

Dear Friends,

All of you know that I’m a lesbian. Even you, best friend/ex-boyfriend. But you don’t know how different you still make me feel. Don’t get me wrong, this group of friends are some of the most accepting people I have ever met. But I can’t relate when the girls start talking about their guy crushes, conversations going on for hours. And I feel left out when you start talking about your personal lives. And I feel excluded when you say “that’s because she’s a lesbian”.

I practically lost one of my strongest friendships. You know who you are. You found out that I had a small crush on you and everything changed. We talked it out but neither of us wanted to bring up the fact that you know that I like you. And I know it would never happen. All of the relationships I have wished for have never happened. But I just want our friendship back. We are about to leave for college and our friendship is crumbling. But we both know deep down inside of us that our friendship will never be the same.

These are all things I have to deal with. I love all of you. Every last one of you accepted me without a second thought. I’ve very lucky in that way. I just wish everyone would realize that the fact that I am a lesbian doesn’t change anything about me. My sexuality is one small fact about me. It doesn’t define my actions, personality, or anything else about me.

Thank you for always being there for me. You all mean the world to me.

1:42 am

askerquestioner

tomfreakinsawyer: Hi there, I like ur blog & its purpose. I know it is hard 2 come out & be yourself for some people, However my coming out story was relitivaly easy so I wanted 2 share it with others in the hope that they may find it easier 2 come out if they know of people who have done it without their families abandoning them etc. So I thought id send u the 1st video in my coming out series. Feel free 2 use/share it if u think it's any good I'd love to help others the way u have :)

<3

1:42 am

Hi there, So I came across this blog loved it and its purpose. I know it is hard for some people to come out and be themselves, however my coming out story was relatively easy. So I wanted to share it with others in the hope that they may find it easier to come out if they know of people who have done it without any major fall out and without their families abandoning them etc. So I thought I’d share the first video in my ‘Coming Out’ series.

July 10, 2014 6:24 pm

I’m a guy, who likes a guy. Help?

Personal: My name is "Frank" , I’m a hispanic male and I’m 18 years old. For the past nine months, back to when I was still in high school I have been in an off-and-on relationship with a guy. He’s 21 and we have known each other longer than those 9 months, due to mutual friends but at that time I was aware that I liked guys but didn’t quite grasp it. He’s in the closet and I’m 100% percent sure he’s gay and not “bi” like I consider myself, IF I HAD to label myself. (I find labeling myself stupid.) Anyways, it started when we were both bored and started to message on facebook, the conversation was normal, and then turned flirty. At first I didn’t think much of it, but on one occasion when I went to a party, after dropping off a friend we ended up kissing and having oral in my car. We were both drinking, and I was confused later, wondering if I would have given him oral if I had not been buzzing. This caused him to feel a lot of rejection and anxiety, I could notice it in his messages. I started to really like him, and on the second encounter at a party of our mutal friends, we made out and almost got caught doing it. From then on we started talking off and on, and a few days before Christmas he messaged me, after months of not talking to invite me to a get-together at his house. We drank, and after everyone left, I asked him if he was ok, cause he was lying on the couch “pretending to be drunk,” he told me later. Then I walked him to his room, where he turned and kissed me, we got half-naked and had oral sex. I told him I needed to leave, but he invited me to stay and just sleep. (To this day we have never had sex, and I’m not sure I would ever go that far.) 

This causes me a lot of anxiety, because I hate feeling like the one who likes him more, and I’m sure he feels jealous when I post pictures of myself with a guy, even if it’s a friend, cause I feel jealous sometimes too. I always wonder if I’m the only guy he talks to, because usually he’s the one to stop messaging me when we have long conversations, making me feel stupid. The thing is, we’re not dating and probably never will. So I don’t feel like I have the right to ask and act like the jealous boyfriend. Also, every time we stop talking for a month, he’ll message me first, inviting me to a party or letting me know he’s home alone. So I wonder if all he wants is sex. (Even though he has invited me to just stay with him and just sleep, which I think shows he cares about me.) 

That occasion before Christmas, I told him I was seeing another guy and that he was bigger than him (I was still buzzed.) And he got really upset telling me I should go with him then, and he asked who it was… Then I told him I didn’t mean it and the next day I asked if he was mad, he said no. He hasn’t brought it up again, and we haven’t seen each other since..

That mutual friend, which usually brings us together has returned from vacation and I plan to hangout with her, since I know her, and they’re cousins. I’m wondering if I should put this to rest. It causes me anxiety, it confuses me, and it makes me impulsive. I know it’s a part of having feelings for someone, but I can’t be sure if he talks to other guys. (He has been honest and told me he’s only even had sex with one girl and one guy. The girl is one that he is close to and invited to the sweet fifteen (not my best friend though), and the guy is out of the closet and used to know my sister.)

My best friend who is a girl knows him, and they’ve tried to date in the past, way before we had a “thing.” But since I know he’s 100% gay, he uses girls as a cover up kind of…even though he’s never really had a girlfriend. (One time he invited my best friend, and another girl who he’s close to, to a sweet fifteen his family was having, so he would have a girl to dance with in front of all his family. My friend wasn’t planning on going, but I convinced her to go, and I tagged along….the next day he messaged me, and after a few days we stopped talking all together. Which is usually how it works.)

This time we’ve been talking since before Christmas. Help me. Should I put this to rest and save myself the emotional strain and anxiety. Should I talk to him and make things serious. Sort of asking if he wants to date me, even in secret? Could that work?

What other options do I have. I like him, I do. But I hate feeling like I want him more than he wants me, and whether or not he’s just using me, and talking to other guys at the same time.

Many instances have shown me that he cares and in the beginning he was crazy about me, while I was rejecting him because I was confused. But the opposite could also be true now.

Thanks for reading, get back to me A.S.A.P. I would greatly appreciate it. 

6:24 pm

(Personal)

Dear M and Z,

I am a closet male in college, and have fallen in love with another guy who is a friend, and whom I don’t know if he shares the same feeling for me. I’ve come out to myself and know what I have to tell my parents sometime, but decided only after I graduate given my religious family and the fact that they pay my tuition.

I do not know his sexuality, but if is gay, it would definitely be in the closet as I am. We are both the introverted, reserved and nerdy kind, so it is difficult to for me to figure out anything. I have never had a relationship and he is the first person I fell in love with. As far as I know, he is not in a relationship either and given his personality he may also be likewise inexperienced with these issues. In the beginning, I thought he might have liked me as he used to always laugh at the things I say, and when we hand out with other we found it hard to speak to each other. Around seven months ago however, circumstances made it so that he had to leave and we didn’t see other for six months. We exchanged post cards and some emails during that time, and I also called him twice both times resulting in hour-long conversations. The day he came back, he texted me asking to catch up. These three weeks I’ve been actively trying to hang out with him more, especially since he longer lives in the same dorm building as me. We see each other every couple of days or so, but never alone and always with mutual friends.Whenever we hang out I look at him often but he breaks away eye contact after a second or so each time.

My frustration is that given my efforts in trying to contact him and be wherever he is, I feel like it should be obvious to him that I like him. He continues to behave as a friend and sometimes invites me to go out on events with mutual friends, but I feel if he did not want to encourage me he wouldn’t do that. I don’t know if he knows I like him and want to have a closer relationship, or is straight and completely oblivious, or is closeted and figuring things out. He even invited me to live together in an off-campus apartment with two other (yet again) mutual friends too.

Right now I’ve considered finding a convenient time to just tell him my feelings, and if they are not reciprocated, just give up. A combination of the lack of intimacy necessitated by always seeing each other with mutual friends and not knowing his intentions is leaving me feeling very frustrated and unfulfilled after every time we hang out. It might be the case that neither of us has the courage to take things further, or that I am imagining everything. What should I do?

6:23 pm

Hello lovely people :)

I have lived a very sheltered childhood; house in a country village with little access to anywhere save via my mother’s car, so that might be an explanation for this. 

I have never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend) (no idea why!!) but have found myself wanting to be closer with one or two of my girl friends but kind of got the feeling they wouldn’t be comfortable with that. I also had a crush on a boy in my last school (but he had a girlfriend who was kind of scary so that sorted that) 

I recently moved to university and i suppose the freedom this move came with has made me want to question myself. I guess i have never really thought about whether I might be bi or not. I asked my mum what she would think if i was a lesbian/bisexual once and she looked at me in this odd way and said “no Heidi, you wouldn’t be attracted to women in that way, that’s not you”. This made me feel silly, both for asking her and the feelings that caused me to ask it.

i have no idea how my parents would react if i ever came out (not to mention the rest of my family). It would probably cause considerable disruption to their quiet world. My father is a priest but i have no religious quarrels with this. God knows who I and and loves me no matter. :)

i’m just not sure how to approach discovering who i am, advice would be lovely, thanks <3 xx

6:23 pm

askerquestioner

Anonymous: For over 30 yrs you've denied who you were. As a girl you knew you liked girls as much as you liked boys. The time you lived in, it would never be understood.You had your experiences. You married. Divorced. Experienced. Eventually you remarried however something felt missing. You always questioned what you wanted & felt. Two years ago you questioned all of it. Said it to yourself. Were you a lesbian? Probably bi. Sex can't be had without alcohol. You can't be with him without it. It's hard.

6:22 pm

Dear family,

You’re never open about topics like this and in some cases I don’t think you accept it. I’m bisexual and I’m terrified of coming out to you. My uncle’s gay and just got married. You seemed fine then. Well,  mother you did. Father you seemed to accept it and you love your brother-in-law, I know you do. So why when two women come up on a wedding show, you want it changed? Do you not want my sister to see that love isn’t always heterosexual? I’m bisexual. Will you accept me?

Dear friends,

You’re all very accepting, but don’t fully understand bisexuality. Would you still love me if I come out? Would you still invite me to sleepovers and still hang out with me? I’m not attracted to any of you and frankly I don’t think I ever will be.

Dear best friend whose acting distant,

First off, without falling in love with you I would have figured out my sexuality later. You were the first person I wanted to come out to because I knew you would accept me completely and still love me. I would never tell you that I fell in love with you…well I wanted to, but we’re beyond that at this point. If you were still my best friend and still acting like were cared about each other, I wouldn’t hesitate about coming out. But you have basically ignored me, not even nodding hello. Just recently did you finally act like we were ever friends. I wanted to come out as bi to you so badly. I loved you so much. Now I have to get over you and realize we might never be close again. I miss you. I love you. Coming out to you probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, though. You think everyone is bisexual. How would you have reacted to me? Not understand? Or accept me in time?

Dear world,

I’m bisexual. Yes it’s real. I’m terrified of living in a world where I will be in danger because I’m a bisexual young woman. But more than anything I want to come out and be open about it. I want to be proud of being bi. I want a girlfriend or a boyfriend who will love me for who I am.

Sincerely,

Me

6:22 pm

Let me start by saying this isn’t an easy post. I went back and forth. I finally decided to publish it after having a long talk with my cousin who convinced me that this is indeed AN ARTICLE WORTH WRITING and that I shouldn’t be scared about what people will say or how they’ll react because I never was before this anyway.

I know. I think I’ve always known you’re gay and a part of thinks you’ve known for awhile too. I won’t insult you by describing the times you made me realize it but like Bobby’s mom said, ‘You always know.’ I don’t know if in the many conversations we had, you tried to tell me. If you did and it didn’t work out or I just wasn’t listening well enough, I’m so sorry. I can get caught up in the noise sometimes and you know we’re a noisy crowd.

There are days when I feel so helpless because I can’t just hug you and tell you it’s gonna be okay. You haven’t even trusted me with your secret yet so all I could do is wait for the time when you’re ready. I wanted to write this for when that time comes. This will be the proof that I’ve always supported you, whoever you are and whoever you choose to love.

It won’t be easy because we still live in a society where you’re an anomaly (that word hurts me more than you know). Trust me when I say it’s all gonna be okay. I’m here for you. We’re all here rooting for you. When the harshest, most painful slings from others and even from people you love come, I promise to stand beside you and just be around for whatever you need.

I want you to know how much I love you. I hope when you finally get to read this you’ll be a proud, happy and free man.

I am reaching out to all those who were in my position or those in his. What should I do? I don’t want him to think no one cares. WE don’t want to make the mistake of just ignoring it but in the end make him feel unaccepted or that he can’t tell us anything.

***

Note: Bobby from the entry is a reference to Prayers for Bobby a 2009 movie exploring the life of a closeted gay Christian finally coming out to his family and how being ostracized drove him to take his own life.

This post is an entry from my blog http://passporttorainbows.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/how-to-give-it-to-him-straight/

6:21 pm

When I see those of you who are so brave and courageous with their sexuality, I’m so envious of you and I commend you on what I still can’t do, although I’ve known for years. It’s not easy being in a family where they make jokes about me being gay and I’m just suppose to laugh it off because I’m scared to just agree with them. Or go to a church where my pastor won’t even marry a same sex couple, but will only offer them marriage counseling. Hell, I’m scared to post this because people I follow, I know personally. And no, it’s not “just a phase”, if that’s the case, this was a almost ten year phase. Yes, I was really young when I realized it, I remember when I used to pray every night for this to go away, hell, sometimes I prayed to just be turned into a boy. But, I’m done of laughing at the jokes and denying it. One day, I’ll tell my parents, I’ll be prepared for the disappointment, and I’ll be ready to be shunned at church. But thanks for reading this, you didn’t have to, I just needed to tell someone. And geesh, this feels superb.