Notes From Inside The Closet

This blog is for everyone who wants to come out, everyone who is coming out, everyone who is out and everyone who doesn't want to come out. Here, we can write letters to ourselves, to the people we want to come out to and anyone else about coming out.

October 18, 2014 6:44 pm
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  • Where Where You?
  • By: Joseph Paul
  • Confessions
  • 202 Plays

justsome-gayguy:

I can’t stop crying… Here’s a snippet from my new Audio Series: Confessions. Coming soon to iTunes!

Feat. music by David Tolk: “I Need Thee Every Hour” on the album Grace.

So I know we don’t normally promote people, but I’ve talked with this guy… His new audio series is most certainly something to look forward to. And it captures the essence of coming out and the consequences that ensue…

6:09 pm

Dear Best Friend,

First off, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being there when I didn’t know what was going on. Thank you for not hating me or badgering me with questions when I said I think I like girls AND guys. Thank you for not changing at all after I told you. Thank you for trusting me to still be around your beautiful little girl. Thank you for listening to me cry on the phone when I said I wanted to tell my family but was scared. Thank you for encouraging me to ask that girl for her phone number (even if she did turn out to not date girls, we still hang out as friends). Thank you for being you and letting me be me.

Now comes the hard part. I can’t bring myself to tell you because I don’t want to ruin what we have. I’m just going to type it.

I think I’m in love with you. 

The worst part is that I know that if I really tell you then you would probably just laugh it off because no way that I can be in love with you, we’re just friends right? Wrong. I’m head over heels for you because you are my support system. You are the best mother to our child (as we like to joke that I’m her real dad since her sperm donor asshole father never wants anything to do with her). Every time I see you with a guy, I’m super protective not only because that is my job as your best friend but also because I’m insanely jealous. What can that guy give you that I can’t? Oh yes. He is a man. And I’m only a woman. You love to joke that you could never be with a girl but I wish you knew that everytime you say that, I break a little inside. Whenever that guy does something wrong, I think of how I would treat you the way you deserve to be treated, like a queen because you are perfect in every single way.

Love,

   your best friend

 

5:34 pm

I am 13 years old, and I am a lesbian. 

There. I said it. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a boy ever.

Sure, I think guys can be attractive, but the thought of kissing one, or anything romantic is just… No.

I am very open with my friends, but my mom thinks it’s just a phase, and that angers me… Like, a lot. 

I’ve run into a lot of people who reject my sexuality because of my age and whatever other reason (upbringing, religion, etc.) But… This is who I am. I am proud of my sexuality and nobody can stop me from loving who I love. 

4:59 pm

Hello beautiful! I just read your post about wanting to come out, I have a 17 year old niece who just came out. We are Catholics and I’m going to tell you what I told her, God loves you. He adores you and cherishes you, you are made in his/her image, and because of that you are perfect. God doesn’t make mistakes, have faith and find your happiness. You deserve love, you deserve to live happily.

4:24 pm

You…..

You….I liked you.  You messaged me first on a dating site.  I didn’t take you serious at first because you were younger than what I was looking for.   But I figured I would humor you and talk to you and eventually you would get bored with me or when I told you I used to date guys and was married you would run.  I told you those things….you still talked to me.  Why is that?  It was because you were married and said you and your wife were getting a divorce.  You were upset that she cut you out of her life because you wouldn’t do things she wanted. You said you loved her but couldn’t be with her for more than a few days at a time.  I didn’t understand then and I still don’t understand now.  You continued to talk to me.  

We would text message due to the distance between us. We live worlds apart.  It was just friends at first nothing flirty or anything like that.  Over time you would say you wanted to cuddle with me, you wanted me to be there with you, you couldn’t wait for me to return from overseas, and you said you would be single and waiting for me.  We got to know each other a little bit.  I started to like you, but there was something about that I didn’t completely trust about you.  It takes me a while to open up to people.  You wanted to know what you could do to help that.  

I think I liked the thought of you.  It has been sometime since I have dated or even kissed someone.  We talked for a few months, almost every day and sometimes hours at a time.  You always started the conversations about thinking about me or kissing me and I went along.  Then one weekend I was drunk and texted you.  You had been a little distant the previous week so I kinda figured something was up.  I was just asking how you were and said I was trying to sober up before I went to sleep.  The conversation took a path that friends don’t go down.  You started that conversation.  I meant everything I ever said to you.  I can’t tell you how stupid I feel for liking you.  I hadn’t even met you but I liked your personality.  I liked that you could joke around with me and could take my sense of humor.  You would call me out on my shit too.  I can’t say I have met anyone like you. 

Just a week after that drunk text conversation you said you were getting back with your wife.  You felt you needed to give it an honest effort.  That’s great, I just wish you hadn’t used me in the meantime to pass the time.  I just don’t understand how you can say things to someone and not mean them.  I guess I am the idiot at the end of the day for talking to a married woman.  At the same time I am not sure how I feel about all of it.  I guess I get attached to people and that is my fault. I wish you well with your wife and I hope it works out, but at the same time I hope that you still think about me.  I got mind fucked by you and I hope that I mind fuck you too.  I know I shouldn’t say or think that but I do.  You married her for a reason and I am sure you love her and you will live happily ever after.

3:48 pm

Dear Me again, Icarus Lives…..(unrequited ramblings of a space captain.)

It’s difficult being a creature of the sky…bound by the weight of your own secrets and unrequited desires….

If Icarus lived after the fall, that would be the best way to describe this chapter… A spiritual being, free and light. The clouds are your home, yet you are too heavy to be within them. There is a tar; a sludge that lives inside you. It is a parasite hooked into your energy grid. A toxic fist gripping your insides and pulling you down, suffocating you, strangling your voice and blackening the light. How can a spiritual being who sees and understands so much be so bogged down by this force? But then again, how could you not? How are you to just walk away? How are you to ignore her? The one for whom you long? When the soul breaks through its shell and reaches for that bond, and rejection fills the open door and coagulates the light…the sparks of attraction burn with an intensity beyond your control; they burn with a blinding rage. A heat with a fury to rival the sun melts you….Thick black ashes of jealousy and the smoke of desire choke the host. The resin weighs down your flight. Actual to captain, do you read? SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, OVER.—The energy wants to swoon and be free, but a cage of anger traps you and sorrow clips the wings.

This is not the only chain you have created around your neck; the shackle of unrequited desire. There is an entire world out there, from which you have hidden. A veil has been cast over you for so long even you do not know who you are. You’ve lived a lie for so long you almost even convinced your mind it was true…..but the soul would not oblige…. And how is it that life has affected you so heavily that you’d have rather hidden than be yourself? Labels frighten you, and the idea of standing out does as well. You want to be noticed for having DONE something. You want to earn your attention! The idea of being in a clique of any sort makes your stomach turn and your energy jump….you’d rather just not say anything at all….mmmbut that is a lie. You want to scream! You want to physically rip your soul out of your chest, you want the entire world to know the true you….you just don’t want to be treated differently…………..you want your family to feel the same around you…you want your energy grids to not be disrupted….You don’t want to be stereotyped. You don’t want to be identified or categorized….and part of you knows it’s because you are afraid….because you know you don’t quite snuggly fit in anywhere anyway, not even in the LGBT community on your home planet. What a lonely spot you’ve dug for yourself. Loveless but burning with passion. Stuck in a world where we have to display ourselves to find a place because it’s 180 degrees until proven crooked, and yet not wanting to be identified by anything other than your achievements towards humanity!….you know, the ones you’ll get around to…of course…. You suppose the people who contribute to the social movements you study and dream about one day affecting were often not ——romantically distracted?—Yes, that’s what we’ll call it……..just try not to think of Chavez and his fiery wife…all of the strength she gave him….the passion she helped fuel….. Si se puede!…right?…….Well. At least your active imagination never abandoned ship! Congratulations Captain, your crewless vessel awaits you, as per usual~ Avast ye void, the galaxy be a cruel mistress! The blinding lights of brilliant novas may burst before your eyes alone, the sun may burn you deep to the core, but never let the gravity keep you from flying. Even if your ship remains empty……. Your wings may be damaged but just remember, Icarus lived….


October 6, 2014 3:01 pm

Dear Me,

You don’t fit into the LGBT community in your city, the love of your life has a man she’d rather give that affection to and your mother believes homosexuality is a sin because a book told her so. Your brother, your best friend, constantly uses the words fag and gay negatively as a joke and you giggle with him because you’re an idiot. You are 24 years old and just finally deciding to take some control of this shit storm of emotions in your head and heart, but you’ve been a part of the charade for so long you are too ashamed to tell people the truth…that you are an inexperienced, scared and very angry young woman…one who has been the subject of modeling shoots, flown to Hawaii and back because of how men adored your looks and personality. An angry and frustrated woman who has men constantly vying for your attention, flying you across the country for art muse jobs and photoshoots…. an angry woman who wants nothing but to be understood but spent her whole life forming lies in her own head in hopes that one day she’ll believe them enough to finally live comfortably by them and not have them eat away at her sanity anymore…Maybe that’d it’d just be a phase as easily as it was for your first-love college roommate…the one who left you for her druggie boyfriend… It was easy enough for her to just grow out of it…You are 24 years old and just now accepting that this is not a phase. You are 24, yet you still feel like a frustrated teenager….All of those years you were with Steve is all they will remember. Steve, your security blanket, but you even manged to find something wrong with him…just like the two great guys you dated in high school before him. Always had to find a reason to run away from them….And even though you spent three years single and celibate since then, the few you chose to come out to say things like “You’re not gay, you don’t dress/act gay. You dated guys! You’re just tired of shitty dudes… IT’S JUST A PHASE”  So you sit in this awkward limbo, not quite fitting in with the LGBT community in my city and not quite feeling the same with your old crowd anymore. Gracefully brushing off the uncomfortable and ignorant comments made by people who are hyper skeptical of your decision to finally emerge as your real self, while tormenting desires for your best friend burn inside of you, torture and cripple you.. Just trying to live your life and be invisible, but yet stand out to the one person who can finally truly see you.

-Sincerely, Me.
PS —fuck em all. 

3:00 pm

Hey kiddo,

Hey kiddo,

I’ve always thought of what I’d tell you if I could go back in time and have a cup of coffee with you (also, stop drinking so much coffee in high school because you’re really going to start pounding them back in college and you may as well save your stomach from early suffering). 

We always hear that we were either sinning or that it would get better. And I know you were always listening to other people with healthy skepticism, and I’m glad, because that’ll make (that made?) things easier when we found out that neither of those sayings are true at all.

We aren’t sinning and all of that bologna is just a waste of time to consider. I know we spent our entire life going to private, Catholic schools (going to a public, state college near home was the best decision you made during high school), but you were smart enough to realize that whatever kind of being is out there, they really, honestly, truly don’t care that you keep stealing Mom’s garden fresh veggies (I don’t think she ever really figures out what was happening to all the cucumbers). 

But what I really want to stress to you because it’s such uber fine print is that things don’t really get better, not in the way you’re thinking. When you go to college, nothing suddenly becomes amazing and fun and happy. You’ll spend your first semester in the closet (except for the people you told in high school or the really cool kids you meet in college), and you’ll eventually come out and no one will care and you’ll wonder why you cared so much to start.

That’s all fine and good.

What no one ever told you and what no one is ever willing to admit is that so many of your queer friends are sad. They’re sad and scared because they’re self destructive and they’re self destructive because they’re sad and scared (you will find, many of them are scarred as well). 

Be careful, kid. 

Because you will love some of them so much and with such tenacity that when they begin to become harmful to you, you will avoid letting go at all costs. 

Please let go. 

It will hut you, and hurt them, and hurt everyone around you, but you need to recognize when good, honest, scared people are becoming toxic because you, too, can get sick (and I don’t mean you’re going to catch a cold). 

You’re going to be scared and sad and angry and anxious and you’ll want to sleep for hours on end and avoid looking people in the eyes for a while. You will feel lost in your own body and you will come to find that all your previous comforts are foreign to you.

Breathe. That is your only obligation. Breathe no matter what. Breathe in defiance of your desire and in solidarity with your instinct. 

And, someday, when you’re older than I am now, I hope we can make sense of everything that happened, and I hope that we can forgive ourselves for letting go of the people whom we loved the most. 

I love you and I am so proud of you.

(P.S. In college, a very friendly and drunk couple from down the hall are going to offer you Dubra vodka from a water bottle and you’re going to be inclined to accept it out of courtesy. I’m not saying not to do it, but I am saying to brace yourself because it’s going to be the worst thing you put in your mouth for at least two months). 

July 31, 2014 12:32 am

Dear 10 year old me,

You have a bit of a rough time coming for you. You will spend the next 3 years or so very confused. There will be mountains and there will be valleys, but you will be strong through it all. Just in the next year you will start to feel “different”, and that’s okay. You aren’t like those girls who talk about all the cute boys, you want to talk about how cute Morgan is, and how you are REALLY ACTUALLY in love with Hannah Montanta. Although you won’t be able to express those feelings to anyone for a while, you can make it through it all. 

You will be so scared that night when you tell Alex you *might* be gay. It’s okay, she doesn’t care.She will be your “person” while you need her. You are so lucky to have her.

When mom reads those texts about that one girl you like, it is not the end of the world. You needed a way to come out to her anyways, right? This is a great thing, don’t be embarassed, you already know she doesn’t care at all.

There will come  time when you are in a Valley so low you feel like you can’t find a way out. Keep on keeping on because it will get better, you will be happy one day. You will get out of that awful west Texas town with those awful west Texas Bigots. Open up to that teacher you know is lesbian, she will inspire you to stay sane through that year. 

You will get out of that town and move half way across the country, all the way to California. It will be one of the best things that have happened in your life. This is your new home. The people here love you.

Just keep your head up in all of your valleys, and don’t forget to look down into your valleys to see how far you have come when you are standing on your mountain.

12:32 am 12:30 am

Hi my love,

First of all I want to say that I love you more than I ever knew possible. Thinking about you sometimes consumes me, and I so very much wish I could talk to everyone about how much I love you. But as we have not come out as a couple I have had to look to different avenues of expressing myself.

Writing this letter to you is a documentation of our lives, just in case we never get the chance to tell anyone.

Our firsts (part one):

My very first impression of you was that you were very shy.

The first time we spent time together was at a party and I couldn’t stop listening to you. I was hanging on your every word soaking it up as if it were the most delicious wine I had ever had.

The first time we spent together without other people I was nerves. I didn’t want you to know I fancied you as to not make you uncomfortable, so I tried to avoid eye contact as much as possible. I avoided standing too close to you. Still, saying that, I looked for excuses to touch you or to stand close to you.

We were so innocent. 

That night when we were out looking at the stars, I walked away and looked back at you. You were holding yourself against the cold and as I looked back I had that “glass breaking” moment. I knew I was in love. That one moment, you can literately feel something is changing inside of you. It shocked me. I shook my head as to shake myself out of it. Yet I woke the next morning and thoughts of you flooded my mind. I cried in the shower that morning as I realised this is it. I am gay. My life has now changed. I thought of my parents and my friends and what society thinks of big ‘ol lesbians like me. I knew there was no more denying it as I will not be able to deny you. You were under my skin.

That day, that very weird and wonderful day, when you realized you felt something for me. That day when you couldn’t look me in the eye, but you found the courage to stretch out your arm. When your arm landed on my side my insides felt like it was bouncing against each other. I stopped breathing… the moment was so big. My heart beat was thunderous! I was sure you could hear it.

Our first time lying in bed together just looking at each other. I tried to think of what it is that you see in me. You’re so beautiful, you’re so smart and thoughtful and soft-hearted. Why do you look at me like my face is the only image you ever want to see? I would look at the creases next to your mouth when you smile. Your eyes when the light changes. The way your nose flares when you laugh really hard. How your expression lightens when you tell me you love me. I loved how you kept on kissing my face. Your lips touching my skin gave (still does) my warm chills.

The first time we had a full on kiss. We were each other’s’ firsts. The feeling of your tong was incredible. I then knew… this is what they talk about in the movies. This is what I was supposed to feel all this time. It was a transportation method into another universe where love, lust and pure unadulterated craving comes together and takes over logical thought. Our magical moment.

The first time we fought I was distraught! I was so overcome by the feelings of your discard that the tears just came without end. You didn’t understand why I was crying so ferociously and you still probably do not. After such a very powerful and emotional couple of weeks (all good ones), overwhelming me, it started to build up and the walls finally burst open and came pouring down my face. I can’t contain it, nor will I ever wish to do so. It’s my clearing out process enabling me to take more in.

To be continued…

July 25, 2014 3:49 am

Inside wants out - a letter/poem

To all those suffocating in their closets,

Life outside my closet is a distant memory for me

I do not remember the joys of light-hearted freedom

Nor the comfort of security

Or the feel of basking in the rays of a life without worry

My heart is always heavy with this weight

And the cloud over my shoulder compels me to the shadows

I am shackled to this closet and it shall forever own me

I see the exit and yet a paralysing fear prevents me from reaching for it

To all those suffocating in their closets

I feel I may never escape mine

I am the machine of a being with no soul

Flesh and bone but no heart

And with every ticking hour the memory of who I once was fades

With every passing moon the light of who I could become grows weak

I am a shell

Now inhabited by the monster that is my fear and it devours me

I fear that soon there will be nothing left of me

Biologically I am alive. But I shall cease to exist

And everyday I wake up with the fear that I will die in here

I am suffocating

I cannot contain it any longer

I am a pressurised can

The reality of who I truly am is bursting through the very seams of my being

Seeping through my pores and ripping through my skin as I struggle to contain it

I try to placate it, but it is no use

I know it will tear me apart if I burst

I cannot contain it any longer

But I know I cannot tell them

The days spent sitting in the living room

When she would look over at me and casually say

"Gosh, there’s too many gays on the TV nowadays"

And I can only shrug in response

And even though I shrug

My throat closes and the world around me fades

So that all that exists is the sound of blood as it rushes in my ears

Beating to the repeated statement

"She will never understand"

And in these moments, I know

I cannot tell them

Let me tell you what being gay really means to me

Imagine two scenarios

In the first, I am the bride in white

Stood at the altar looking down at my family

Their faces glowing with pride and joy

But I am stood beside a man I cannot love

The concept of an eternity with him is daunting

The idea of his touch repulses me

The expectations of my “wedding night” disgust me

You know - that sickening feeling so strong it sears your throat

I will never be happy with him

But I will always belong

Scenario two. I am marrying the woman I love

And in her eyes I see a passion that burns brighter than the sun

And I could ask for nothing more than to wake up to her perfect smile

But stood at the altar looking out at the crowd

I am met by a sea of unknown faces, my family are not in attendance

On the day I broke their heart I lost the right to call them so

I am dead to them

I am the girl with no family to which I belong

No surname to which I am affiliated

I am the girl with no origins. No history. No background

A tree with no roots, I can never truly grow or flourish

This is what being gay really means to me

A choice between myself and my family

And so I am stuck, A leg on each island

As they drift further apart never to collide again

Tearing me down the middle

How am I supposed to make this decision?

I just stand there stretching

To all those walking on eggshells

I live my life walking on the shells of my now forgotten freedom

Every step I make towards the exit is a plunge.

And every step I take is one step closer to the day my luck runs out.

So that every step I take is loaded with the fear that the ground will dissolve beneath me and I might fall into the fiery depths that is my worst nightmare

And so I stop stepping

My friends have always told me I am strong but they do not see beyond my façade - I am a coward

I stop stepping because I fear the fall

I stop stepping because I fear the possibility of success even more

I am a coward. I stop stepping. And so I am trapped here

To all those walking on egg shells

Why do we condemn ourselves to walk alone?

Has it not been said that two heads are better than one?

So to all those suffocating in their closets

To all those braving the unstable path of eggshells towards freedom

Let me help you

If I am to stay trapped in my closet, let me help you

To do what I fear I will forever be too cowardly to do

Let me live vicariously through you

So that I may see in you the happiness I will never feel for myself

And I will lift you high above my shoulders like the golden trophy that you are

The shining star that I can only hope to become

And I will guide you past these eggshells and fight back your nightmares

Lay myself bare for you so that I may become the concrete path you walk upon towards your freedom

And then I will step back into my shadows and watch you step out into the light

At least one of us should make it out alive…

July 22, 2014 1:42 am

You,

You have no idea what it did to me when you told me I was lying about being bisexual. You said it was a phase and that you doubted I would ever actually end up with another girl. I want to say f**k you.  want to tell you to get lost and not to bother me, that I am independent about who I am and you will never change that.

But I can’t.

When you said that, I felt hollow. I began to doubt myself. Now I believe I’m a traitor to the community. I’m scared that my bisexuality is a lie to myself because I know that being straight automatically makes me an outsider to those I support. That I’m not a true bisexual woman; I’m just a poser with a pathetic attempt at being accepting and loving.

That’s what you made me believe.

And I’m so scared it’s true.

Me.

1:42 am

Dear Friends,

All of you know that I’m a lesbian. Even you, best friend/ex-boyfriend. But you don’t know how different you still make me feel. Don’t get me wrong, this group of friends are some of the most accepting people I have ever met. But I can’t relate when the girls start talking about their guy crushes, conversations going on for hours. And I feel left out when you start talking about your personal lives. And I feel excluded when you say “that’s because she’s a lesbian”.

I practically lost one of my strongest friendships. You know who you are. You found out that I had a small crush on you and everything changed. We talked it out but neither of us wanted to bring up the fact that you know that I like you. And I know it would never happen. All of the relationships I have wished for have never happened. But I just want our friendship back. We are about to leave for college and our friendship is crumbling. But we both know deep down inside of us that our friendship will never be the same.

These are all things I have to deal with. I love all of you. Every last one of you accepted me without a second thought. I’ve very lucky in that way. I just wish everyone would realize that the fact that I am a lesbian doesn’t change anything about me. My sexuality is one small fact about me. It doesn’t define my actions, personality, or anything else about me.

Thank you for always being there for me. You all mean the world to me.

1:42 am

askerquestioner

tomfreakinsawyer: Hi there, I like ur blog & its purpose. I know it is hard 2 come out & be yourself for some people, However my coming out story was relitivaly easy so I wanted 2 share it with others in the hope that they may find it easier 2 come out if they know of people who have done it without their families abandoning them etc. So I thought id send u the 1st video in my coming out series. Feel free 2 use/share it if u think it's any good I'd love to help others the way u have :)

<3