Notes From Inside The Closet

This blog is for everyone who wants to come out, everyone who is coming out, everyone who is out and everyone who doesn't want to come out. Here, we can write letters to ourselves, to the people we want to come out to and anyone else about coming out.

July 22, 2014 1:42 am

You,

You have no idea what it did to me when you told me I was lying about being bisexual. You said it was a phase and that you doubted I would ever actually end up with another girl. I want to say f**k you.  want to tell you to get lost and not to bother me, that I am independent about who I am and you will never change that.

But I can’t.

When you said that, I felt hollow. I began to doubt myself. Now I believe I’m a traitor to the community. I’m scared that my bisexuality is a lie to myself because I know that being straight automatically makes me an outsider to those I support. That I’m not a true bisexual woman; I’m just a poser with a pathetic attempt at being accepting and loving.

That’s what you made me believe.

And I’m so scared it’s true.

Me.

1:42 am

Dear Friends,

All of you know that I’m a lesbian. Even you, best friend/ex-boyfriend. But you don’t know how different you still make me feel. Don’t get me wrong, this group of friends are some of the most accepting people I have ever met. But I can’t relate when the girls start talking about their guy crushes, conversations going on for hours. And I feel left out when you start talking about your personal lives. And I feel excluded when you say “that’s because she’s a lesbian”.

I practically lost one of my strongest friendships. You know who you are. You found out that I had a small crush on you and everything changed. We talked it out but neither of us wanted to bring up the fact that you know that I like you. And I know it would never happen. All of the relationships I have wished for have never happened. But I just want our friendship back. We are about to leave for college and our friendship is crumbling. But we both know deep down inside of us that our friendship will never be the same.

These are all things I have to deal with. I love all of you. Every last one of you accepted me without a second thought. I’ve very lucky in that way. I just wish everyone would realize that the fact that I am a lesbian doesn’t change anything about me. My sexuality is one small fact about me. It doesn’t define my actions, personality, or anything else about me.

Thank you for always being there for me. You all mean the world to me.

1:42 am

askerquestioner

tomfreakinsawyer: Hi there, I like ur blog & its purpose. I know it is hard 2 come out & be yourself for some people, However my coming out story was relitivaly easy so I wanted 2 share it with others in the hope that they may find it easier 2 come out if they know of people who have done it without their families abandoning them etc. So I thought id send u the 1st video in my coming out series. Feel free 2 use/share it if u think it's any good I'd love to help others the way u have :)

<3

1:42 am

Hi there, So I came across this blog loved it and its purpose. I know it is hard for some people to come out and be themselves, however my coming out story was relatively easy. So I wanted to share it with others in the hope that they may find it easier to come out if they know of people who have done it without any major fall out and without their families abandoning them etc. So I thought I’d share the first video in my ‘Coming Out’ series.

July 10, 2014 6:24 pm

I’m a guy, who likes a guy. Help?

Personal: My name is "Frank" , I’m a hispanic male and I’m 18 years old. For the past nine months, back to when I was still in high school I have been in an off-and-on relationship with a guy. He’s 21 and we have known each other longer than those 9 months, due to mutual friends but at that time I was aware that I liked guys but didn’t quite grasp it. He’s in the closet and I’m 100% percent sure he’s gay and not “bi” like I consider myself, IF I HAD to label myself. (I find labeling myself stupid.) Anyways, it started when we were both bored and started to message on facebook, the conversation was normal, and then turned flirty. At first I didn’t think much of it, but on one occasion when I went to a party, after dropping off a friend we ended up kissing and having oral in my car. We were both drinking, and I was confused later, wondering if I would have given him oral if I had not been buzzing. This caused him to feel a lot of rejection and anxiety, I could notice it in his messages. I started to really like him, and on the second encounter at a party of our mutal friends, we made out and almost got caught doing it. From then on we started talking off and on, and a few days before Christmas he messaged me, after months of not talking to invite me to a get-together at his house. We drank, and after everyone left, I asked him if he was ok, cause he was lying on the couch “pretending to be drunk,” he told me later. Then I walked him to his room, where he turned and kissed me, we got half-naked and had oral sex. I told him I needed to leave, but he invited me to stay and just sleep. (To this day we have never had sex, and I’m not sure I would ever go that far.) 

This causes me a lot of anxiety, because I hate feeling like the one who likes him more, and I’m sure he feels jealous when I post pictures of myself with a guy, even if it’s a friend, cause I feel jealous sometimes too. I always wonder if I’m the only guy he talks to, because usually he’s the one to stop messaging me when we have long conversations, making me feel stupid. The thing is, we’re not dating and probably never will. So I don’t feel like I have the right to ask and act like the jealous boyfriend. Also, every time we stop talking for a month, he’ll message me first, inviting me to a party or letting me know he’s home alone. So I wonder if all he wants is sex. (Even though he has invited me to just stay with him and just sleep, which I think shows he cares about me.) 

That occasion before Christmas, I told him I was seeing another guy and that he was bigger than him (I was still buzzed.) And he got really upset telling me I should go with him then, and he asked who it was… Then I told him I didn’t mean it and the next day I asked if he was mad, he said no. He hasn’t brought it up again, and we haven’t seen each other since..

That mutual friend, which usually brings us together has returned from vacation and I plan to hangout with her, since I know her, and they’re cousins. I’m wondering if I should put this to rest. It causes me anxiety, it confuses me, and it makes me impulsive. I know it’s a part of having feelings for someone, but I can’t be sure if he talks to other guys. (He has been honest and told me he’s only even had sex with one girl and one guy. The girl is one that he is close to and invited to the sweet fifteen (not my best friend though), and the guy is out of the closet and used to know my sister.)

My best friend who is a girl knows him, and they’ve tried to date in the past, way before we had a “thing.” But since I know he’s 100% gay, he uses girls as a cover up kind of…even though he’s never really had a girlfriend. (One time he invited my best friend, and another girl who he’s close to, to a sweet fifteen his family was having, so he would have a girl to dance with in front of all his family. My friend wasn’t planning on going, but I convinced her to go, and I tagged along….the next day he messaged me, and after a few days we stopped talking all together. Which is usually how it works.)

This time we’ve been talking since before Christmas. Help me. Should I put this to rest and save myself the emotional strain and anxiety. Should I talk to him and make things serious. Sort of asking if he wants to date me, even in secret? Could that work?

What other options do I have. I like him, I do. But I hate feeling like I want him more than he wants me, and whether or not he’s just using me, and talking to other guys at the same time.

Many instances have shown me that he cares and in the beginning he was crazy about me, while I was rejecting him because I was confused. But the opposite could also be true now.

Thanks for reading, get back to me A.S.A.P. I would greatly appreciate it. 

6:24 pm

(Personal)

Dear M and Z,

I am a closet male in college, and have fallen in love with another guy who is a friend, and whom I don’t know if he shares the same feeling for me. I’ve come out to myself and know what I have to tell my parents sometime, but decided only after I graduate given my religious family and the fact that they pay my tuition.

I do not know his sexuality, but if is gay, it would definitely be in the closet as I am. We are both the introverted, reserved and nerdy kind, so it is difficult to for me to figure out anything. I have never had a relationship and he is the first person I fell in love with. As far as I know, he is not in a relationship either and given his personality he may also be likewise inexperienced with these issues. In the beginning, I thought he might have liked me as he used to always laugh at the things I say, and when we hand out with other we found it hard to speak to each other. Around seven months ago however, circumstances made it so that he had to leave and we didn’t see other for six months. We exchanged post cards and some emails during that time, and I also called him twice both times resulting in hour-long conversations. The day he came back, he texted me asking to catch up. These three weeks I’ve been actively trying to hang out with him more, especially since he longer lives in the same dorm building as me. We see each other every couple of days or so, but never alone and always with mutual friends.Whenever we hang out I look at him often but he breaks away eye contact after a second or so each time.

My frustration is that given my efforts in trying to contact him and be wherever he is, I feel like it should be obvious to him that I like him. He continues to behave as a friend and sometimes invites me to go out on events with mutual friends, but I feel if he did not want to encourage me he wouldn’t do that. I don’t know if he knows I like him and want to have a closer relationship, or is straight and completely oblivious, or is closeted and figuring things out. He even invited me to live together in an off-campus apartment with two other (yet again) mutual friends too.

Right now I’ve considered finding a convenient time to just tell him my feelings, and if they are not reciprocated, just give up. A combination of the lack of intimacy necessitated by always seeing each other with mutual friends and not knowing his intentions is leaving me feeling very frustrated and unfulfilled after every time we hang out. It might be the case that neither of us has the courage to take things further, or that I am imagining everything. What should I do?

6:23 pm

Hello lovely people :)

I have lived a very sheltered childhood; house in a country village with little access to anywhere save via my mother’s car, so that might be an explanation for this. 

I have never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend) (no idea why!!) but have found myself wanting to be closer with one or two of my girl friends but kind of got the feeling they wouldn’t be comfortable with that. I also had a crush on a boy in my last school (but he had a girlfriend who was kind of scary so that sorted that) 

I recently moved to university and i suppose the freedom this move came with has made me want to question myself. I guess i have never really thought about whether I might be bi or not. I asked my mum what she would think if i was a lesbian/bisexual once and she looked at me in this odd way and said “no Heidi, you wouldn’t be attracted to women in that way, that’s not you”. This made me feel silly, both for asking her and the feelings that caused me to ask it.

i have no idea how my parents would react if i ever came out (not to mention the rest of my family). It would probably cause considerable disruption to their quiet world. My father is a priest but i have no religious quarrels with this. God knows who I and and loves me no matter. :)

i’m just not sure how to approach discovering who i am, advice would be lovely, thanks <3 xx

6:23 pm

askerquestioner

Anonymous: For over 30 yrs you've denied who you were. As a girl you knew you liked girls as much as you liked boys. The time you lived in, it would never be understood.You had your experiences. You married. Divorced. Experienced. Eventually you remarried however something felt missing. You always questioned what you wanted & felt. Two years ago you questioned all of it. Said it to yourself. Were you a lesbian? Probably bi. Sex can't be had without alcohol. You can't be with him without it. It's hard.

6:22 pm

Dear family,

You’re never open about topics like this and in some cases I don’t think you accept it. I’m bisexual and I’m terrified of coming out to you. My uncle’s gay and just got married. You seemed fine then. Well,  mother you did. Father you seemed to accept it and you love your brother-in-law, I know you do. So why when two women come up on a wedding show, you want it changed? Do you not want my sister to see that love isn’t always heterosexual? I’m bisexual. Will you accept me?

Dear friends,

You’re all very accepting, but don’t fully understand bisexuality. Would you still love me if I come out? Would you still invite me to sleepovers and still hang out with me? I’m not attracted to any of you and frankly I don’t think I ever will be.

Dear best friend whose acting distant,

First off, without falling in love with you I would have figured out my sexuality later. You were the first person I wanted to come out to because I knew you would accept me completely and still love me. I would never tell you that I fell in love with you…well I wanted to, but we’re beyond that at this point. If you were still my best friend and still acting like were cared about each other, I wouldn’t hesitate about coming out. But you have basically ignored me, not even nodding hello. Just recently did you finally act like we were ever friends. I wanted to come out as bi to you so badly. I loved you so much. Now I have to get over you and realize we might never be close again. I miss you. I love you. Coming out to you probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, though. You think everyone is bisexual. How would you have reacted to me? Not understand? Or accept me in time?

Dear world,

I’m bisexual. Yes it’s real. I’m terrified of living in a world where I will be in danger because I’m a bisexual young woman. But more than anything I want to come out and be open about it. I want to be proud of being bi. I want a girlfriend or a boyfriend who will love me for who I am.

Sincerely,

Me

6:22 pm

Let me start by saying this isn’t an easy post. I went back and forth. I finally decided to publish it after having a long talk with my cousin who convinced me that this is indeed AN ARTICLE WORTH WRITING and that I shouldn’t be scared about what people will say or how they’ll react because I never was before this anyway.

I know. I think I’ve always known you’re gay and a part of thinks you’ve known for awhile too. I won’t insult you by describing the times you made me realize it but like Bobby’s mom said, ‘You always know.’ I don’t know if in the many conversations we had, you tried to tell me. If you did and it didn’t work out or I just wasn’t listening well enough, I’m so sorry. I can get caught up in the noise sometimes and you know we’re a noisy crowd.

There are days when I feel so helpless because I can’t just hug you and tell you it’s gonna be okay. You haven’t even trusted me with your secret yet so all I could do is wait for the time when you’re ready. I wanted to write this for when that time comes. This will be the proof that I’ve always supported you, whoever you are and whoever you choose to love.

It won’t be easy because we still live in a society where you’re an anomaly (that word hurts me more than you know). Trust me when I say it’s all gonna be okay. I’m here for you. We’re all here rooting for you. When the harshest, most painful slings from others and even from people you love come, I promise to stand beside you and just be around for whatever you need.

I want you to know how much I love you. I hope when you finally get to read this you’ll be a proud, happy and free man.

I am reaching out to all those who were in my position or those in his. What should I do? I don’t want him to think no one cares. WE don’t want to make the mistake of just ignoring it but in the end make him feel unaccepted or that he can’t tell us anything.

***

Note: Bobby from the entry is a reference to Prayers for Bobby a 2009 movie exploring the life of a closeted gay Christian finally coming out to his family and how being ostracized drove him to take his own life.

This post is an entry from my blog http://passporttorainbows.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/how-to-give-it-to-him-straight/

6:21 pm

When I see those of you who are so brave and courageous with their sexuality, I’m so envious of you and I commend you on what I still can’t do, although I’ve known for years. It’s not easy being in a family where they make jokes about me being gay and I’m just suppose to laugh it off because I’m scared to just agree with them. Or go to a church where my pastor won’t even marry a same sex couple, but will only offer them marriage counseling. Hell, I’m scared to post this because people I follow, I know personally. And no, it’s not “just a phase”, if that’s the case, this was a almost ten year phase. Yes, I was really young when I realized it, I remember when I used to pray every night for this to go away, hell, sometimes I prayed to just be turned into a boy. But, I’m done of laughing at the jokes and denying it. One day, I’ll tell my parents, I’ll be prepared for the disappointment, and I’ll be ready to be shunned at church. But thanks for reading this, you didn’t have to, I just needed to tell someone. And geesh, this feels superb.

6:21 pm

Dear, mama, papa and anyone that doesn’t know.

There is something I want to say, again. Papa/mama I know last year I told you, at possibly the worst time, that I’m transgender. I may not have said ‘I’m transgender’ but I did say I am a boy, that’s how I feel. Mama, I’m sorry that I didn’t think it through before blurting it out. I did initially intend of telling you, just you first and letting you be the one to aid me through it. Sadly my emotions got the better of me. That fight I had 

That fight I had with Dad, it started because he told me that I should buy a new computer, I didn’t really reply but he saw red and shouted at me for not being able to spend money. You all think it’s something I just do because I’m scared, no I actually have anxiety over spending large amounts of money or giving money for lending to people.

When I was crying he asked me why I was crying and I replied that I don’t know what to do, he took that to mean my future and again lashed out. I didn’t mean my future. I mean’t me. Neither of you seem to get that I can have serious issues or there are things that you don’t know about me. I’m sorry that you don’t know these things but it would hurt you and me too much.

Papa, Mama, why did you both lash out at me, with no reason. You were like a pair of eight year olds. Not me.

And when you told me that I’m too young to know if I’m trans, you obviously weren’t willing to even give me a chance.

I wasn’t asking for anything.

Just your ability to listen. 

For someone else to know, other than my best friend.

I told you I was gay when I was twelve, technically that’s still true. I still have a preference to women, surely I was too young then as well.

I hate you. I hate you for not listening. But hopefully one day you will see me for a man, a man that you brought up and a man that is happy. Happier than when they were a girl.

Stewart, my beloved Brother. I’m sorry you saw the argument. Thank you for not bringing it up. I trust that you understand or at least can understand that I am a man, even if you don’t know how. I know you would never abandon me, I know that if the world is against me I still have you just a telephone call away.

Chloe, maybe not my soul-mate but definitely the best friend I could have ever hoped for. I love you. 

To everyone else, my family and friends, those who haven’t even heard me mention my transgender status to them, I am transgender. I’m a man. I don’t care if you don’t get it but I do care if you don’t try. Everyone single one of you has a place in my heart, a place in my past, present and future. You all contributed to make me who I am and who I will be, thank you.

To everyone who is stuck in the closet, like me, we’ll get there. Eventually, and when we do, even if it’s rough, we won’t regret it.

Finally, Taylor. You are worthy, and I know it’s difficult right know. I know that dealing with the pronouns, the body and the ignorance is difficult but imagine where you could be in five years time. You’ll be twenty-one, you might have a flat-chest, a girlfriend (or boyfriend) but most of all you’ll be acknowledged for who you really are. Hold on to that, and focus on a brighter future. You’ve got exams coming up you minx - and that’s just another step on the road to happiness.

Take care, 
-Taylor C-S

6:21 pm

Dear World

Sexuality is a very odd thing; it is so assumed that you are straight until you reveal otherwise, and you can become so confused trying to work out exactly what you are.

I am 15 and lesbian, I am pretty sure of that now, and I’m kind of in the process of coming out. I never properly came out initially, as I didn’t really feel the need. The fact is my mother is now in a long term relationship with a woman, as she left my father just under ten years ago, realising she wasn’t actually attracted to men like she was women. When I was about to start going out with my first girlfriend a few months ago I just kind of mentioned it to her casually by dropping loads of hints that there was this person who was about to ask me out and at the same time talking about this girl that I was getting on really well with and chatting to loads (we’d known each other a couple of years); she worked it out quite quickly(I think sh’ed seen stuff on facebook too) and so I just told her straight out when we became an item, “this is my girlfriend”.

Obviously that was really easy, and I told my friends around the same time, although I didn’t make a big spectacle of it.My mother and friends were all really accepting, but I expected nothing else really.

However, my father knows nothing of it; it’s not that I think he’d be really unsupportive, just that I don’t think he’d properly understand. He handled it ok when my mother explained why she was leaving him, but because he hardly knows any other lesbians I don’t think he’d get that I can be so sure at 15 that I don’t like guys, especially when I’ve even never had a boyfriend. 

Unfortunately it didn’t work out that well with that girlfriend, as she kind of realised that she didn’t feel the same way; she had always identified as bisexual rather than lesbian anyway. I too thought I was more bisexual for quite a while, but have now come to the conclusion that I am full on gay. Until I was like 14 I’d barely given it any thought, assuming that I was into guys only, but eventually I realized I was kind of trying to convince myself I felt a certain way and looked at girls with fascination whereas I looked at guys with a kind of forced attraction.

Anyway, I will tell my father and grandparents e.t.c, (the proportion of my world that is unaware of my lesbianism), at some point, probably when i have been seeing somebody for a while. But I would really encourage people who are fully in the closet to bring themselves to come out; it’ll feel better when you have, I am confident.

6:21 pm

can we sit down for this?

Dear Mom and Dad,

There is something I want to tell you… I am a lesbian… But that isn’t all that I am.

I am strong: I have held the weight of this truth for my whole life, but sometimes that strength begins to fail and my arms shake and my back aches and I just want to be able to drop the weight of my life and let go and trust that my support net will hold my weight as I fall.

I am brave: I have to face a world that I know won’t always welcome me, but I want to find a place that I should have known/had all along where I can go and know that I will always be not only welcomed but invited and allowed to bring a plus two.

I am passionate, but you only see some of that passion and I want to be able to show my passion, to be able to show it off just like my brother does with his.

I am smart but sometimes I feel incredibly stupid and I want to be able to ask for advice with out fearing that I will feel even more so after our conversation comes to an end.

I am loyal, but I fear that those I thought I could trust the most won’t want my loyalty because some day. That loyalty will end in me making a lifelong commitment to a woman, a commitment that is more than being roommates.

I am honest, but not with the people I should be, because of fear. You taught me to always own up to my faults (not that I think that my love for women is in any way a fault) and to always be honest because in the end that’s what really matters but I’ve been made to feel as though I cannot be truthful about on of the biggest things that makes me… Well me.

There are many parts of me that I fear you are unable to see because you are so deeply rooted in your own beliefs. I want to be there for you, but in the end will you want me to be there for you?

Sincerely,

 ”Lola”

P.S

I will always love you even when you stop loving me.

6:20 pm

askerquestioner

bigm818: Well I have my entire life (now 43) been out to maybe a handful of friends and some f/b friends. I am just not too eager to drop the bombshell on my parents. (I'm sure they know something). I am a guy, never had a g/f or any other types of relationships. Should I just let it go? Everyone is happy enough it seems.

sure thing