I’ve wanted to say it for some time. I’ve wanted to be able to trust you. But you’ve displayed time and time again, even if indirectly, that you wouldn’t accept. You never state it out-right, but I know it’s what you’re thinking. I just want you to know so I can stop hiding. I hate having to pretend. I hate having to take off my rainbow bracelet and erase the love notes written across my hands and arms. I hate having to act like someone I’m not. Home should be the one place you feel safe, accepted, and comfortable, but I guess that’s not my case.
Maybe I’ll tell you later. Maybe I’ll never get to tell.
I ask not for a new heart, but acceptance of the one that resides within my breast. As recent revelations disquieted my rational mind, I place my hand over my heart, and find that it beats the same, if only to a faster tempo; and as I unclench my jaw from the stronghold it had pinning down my tongue, I am at once familiar with the taste of iron.
I yearn to be who I am, who I’m meant to be; despite the fact that what I’ve known to be acceptable, is heteronormative romance; and I have tried for many years to pursue straight relationships to no avail. The melee in my head-space, the amalgam of past religious beliefs engrained in my thought processes, and sapphic desire. Denial, self-hate, and depression, the tumult of your ever-present clamor in my mind, I would like to bid farewell to you.
The days I’ve spent dressed in threads of black, have taught me that I need to live today. I have an abundance of love, and I offer it to the seemingly infinite universe; to all who read this, know that I love you as you are. You are not alone. Don’t change for anyone.
(Open for questions)
I’d love to share my coming out story with you all! (:
I started questioning myself as soon as I transferred to my college’s main campus fall 2012 semester. I was confused more than anything so I joined the GSA club on campus. Joining helped make new friends but didn’t really help me too much personally. Anyways, I thought for sure that I like girls. During that semester, I talked to a girl and got to know her quite well. I started to like her a lot until a night where she wanted to go out and I wasn’t sure. I still went anyways to have some fun. She ended up getting drunk and I let her stay in my room for the night. Things got frisky that night and it didn’t end good for either one of us. After that experience, I thought, “No, I’m not so sure now. I don’t think I like girls.” However, I didn’t want to base my final decision off of one experience. I didn’t want to end my questioning there all because of one bad experience. I kept myself open to the thoughts of finding girls attractive and liking girls.
Fall 2013 semester rolls around. I’m still unsure of myself as far as my sexuality goes. I became more active in the GSA club and met some new people that I didn’t meet from the semester before. I met this girl and she definitely caught my attention. I found myself attracted to her. She dressed like a guy and I find that attractive. Her and I started talking as friends and it was amazing. I really got to know her after opening up to her and vice versa. It took her some time to open up to me but I thought for sure that she’d be the one. I applied to study abroad in Germany for five months and got accepted! She was very happy for me and wished me the best. Her and I kept talking. I told her one day that I wouldn’t be on Facebook all the time and that I may not answer messages and update constantly. She got upset with me and said she’d get angry with me if I read her message and don’t respond right away. That started problems between her and I and I had just gotten accepted to study in Germany for five months. Me leaving is way down the road. It got pretty bad between her and I to the point where campus police had to get involved. After this second experience, those thoughts from before came flooding back into my mind and I constantly thought, girls aren’t my cup of tea.
Spring 2014 is here before I know it. Hence being accepted to study abroad in Germany for five months, I don’t go back to campus until Fall 2014. I’m currently still on my break until I leave for Germany February 28th. Over this break though, I met another girl through a mutual friend that her and I share. After the previous two experiences, I didn’t think much of it. I thought her and I would be just friends. She proved me wrong. I started to like her more as her and I started talking more but I told her straight from the beginning that I am questioning myself thinking that I’m bisexual. She opened up to me saying she is openly gay. As time moved on, her and I talked more and more each day. The amount of feelings grew for her everyday. I felt so happy talking to her and I finally couldn’t take it anymore so I finally opened up to her how I felt for her and she caught me off guard by telling me that she likes me too. The rush of excitement, happiness, tears of joy just flooded through me like a waterfall. I was so happy. After questioning myself for a year and a half, she helped me finally discover myself and I came out to her as bisexual. She was really happy she helped me figure myself out. However, her and I are not together anymore because she ended up moving away and I’ll be going away for five months to study abroad. My heart is still torn to this moment and I’m more bummed than anything but she said I may have a chance with her whenever I get back from studying abroad in Germany.
To end this on a good/sour note, I’ve came out to a lot of my friends at college and they all are happy for me and support me. I’ve told less friends back home because I live in a small town where older adults do not support the LGBTQ community very well. I’ve truly been able to be myself, love myself, and be happy with myself. But hiding my true self from people here at home is killing me on the inside and I can’t take it much longer. I want to be able to be myself without judgement here at home in my community. Please, if anyone can, I’d appreciate any advice!
“What a relief it is to get that off my chest!”
Hmm, I imagine that is what I’d think if I actually had told anyone I was gay…
In reality, I’m stuck in this purgatorial state of being a fake straight guy (although not a very good one) and I’m struggling to find a way out without completely derailing my entire life and embarrassing numerous people and myself.
Also, and probably the more truthful reason I am still ‘in the closet’, I am petrified of dating someone. Coming out might mean actually letting another person realize I’m insane, which so far in my life, I have learnt to disguise with considerable talent.
…but I am lonely. I always thought I was quite independent, but unfortunately the hopeless romantic in me has been quite ruthless in correcting the assumption. Yearning is a seriously powerful motivator.
To find some solutions I referred my predicament to my good friend, The Internet. I came across an impressive amount of coming out stories. I began reading some of these stories and they were genuinely lovely. Tales of strength and self-realisation that were memorable and inspirational.
Then I continued reading them.
After a while, I realised I had begun to feel a little inadequate. Many of these stories were about these vivacious men who were gung-ho enough to come out IN HIGH SCHOOL! And had boyfriends, IN HIGH SCHOOL! I was so envious. I knew these mind-bogglingly brave people existed, but did not realise they were so widespread! Definitely the majority of stories I read documented their authors coming out at least before their final years at University. Suddenly my ripe age of 22 going on 23 (yes that is a Sound of Music reference; is my sexual orientation still not obvious?) seemed ridiculously old. I had missed my golden years and was now finding out that I was expected to have a wealth of sexual knowledge by my age. The ‘gay community’ or even just being in a relationship was becoming more and more inaccessible.
So even in this highly demoralised state and even though I have absolutely no idea how I will do it, since it’s the new year (twenty-fourteen, baby!), I have made a resolution to be a bit braver (my mental stability seriously depends on it) and possibly make a little progress being a bit more honest with those around me. How’s that for a non-committal vow?!
Yours truthfully (or as truthfully as a pseudonym can be),
Just sharing my coming out story http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZC4jVS69bnU
I write to you as a woman, of legal age. I ask you not to hate yourself for who you are…
Listen, you may not want to accept yourself for who you are, a lesbian identified twenty-two year old; but it is who you are. Nothing is going to change the fact, you can’t pretend to be bisexual, or straight, because it’s killing you. Be true to yourself, that is the only way you will ever be happy.
As much as you’d like to believe you’re good at hiding who you are, you’re completely wrong, you’re transparent. When we hired new people for the holiday season, before Black Friday, a woman who worked with you for not even two shifts, asked you straight up, “are you gay?”, she told you that despite the fact that you deny it, she knows that you’re a lesbian, “it’s obvious”. I had never been more scared, she saw through me. I thought I was a chameleon, I was wrong. My closest friend, a fellow employee, when I confided in her told me that she always knew, first impression. I was afraid, I felt liberated.
I sometimes wonder if my family knows… I am obvious, but I’m scared. My brother makes comments such as “I hear you’re good with the ladies…”, and “don’t get that bike, you’ll look like a dyke.” My step-mother watches television and states, “is there anyone who isn’t gay these days.”, disgustedly… I am on my own, and left completely to my own devices. I want nothing more than to be accepted and loved for who I am. Love me, as I love you, unconditionally; and I promise to be the best ally you’ve ever had.
You know I love you although we don’t talk much. Things have been more difficult since Dad passed away last year, and yet we didn’t talk a lot. I love you, you know that. It is because I love you and I want to make you proud and I don’t want to be a burden to you. I wanted to let you know that I am a girl who like other girls, but I am afraid to tell you that. I am afraid that you might reject me. I know it is less likely to happen, but your judgmental remarks over other people’s business is what makes me don’t want to tell you about my personal life. We live in a house full of Psychologists, but I just can’t trust you. I am afraid that you will judge me for being who I really am. I also don’t want you to blame yourself why I turned out like this. It’s just I want to protect you, you’re the only nuclear family I have left. I am torn between pursuing my future or living a dull life here where I can be persecuted for being who I am. For now, I am halting this desire to tell you about my sexuality. Last year, I made significant progress about being honest about myself, and so far this year, I’ve made progresses as well. I came out to my closest friends.
Dear mom, I love you and I want you to love me just the way I am. I am still a daughter you raised albeit my sexuality. I am still your workaholic, science-obsessed, conscientious daughter. I am not turning into someone else, it’s just people I am romantically attracted to are not conforming with societal norms. I will tell you one day for us to be a real family bond in honesty.
I wish, with everything in me that I could tell you the one side of me that wants to be known. The first person I told was my best friend, who is also gay, because I knew I wasn’t going to be judged by him.
It took every ounce of my courage to tell my mom, brother, and dad. All of them accepted me with open arms, but I don’t think the rest of you would. Dad pushes it from his mind, like I didn’t even tell him. Which is reasonable since he’s a bigot, racist, and sexist.
I wish I could sit down with the rest of you and tell you that I’m bisexual, that maybe one day I’ll marry a wonderful girl instead of a boy, but I know that will never happen. I’m too scared to be laughed at, to be dismissed as if I’m just “going through a phase;” that you’ll never talk to me again.
Maybe one day when you receive a wedding invitation to my wedding, where I’ll be marrying the woman of my dreams, then maybe you’ll understand, and just maybe you’ll accept me. Or you won’t come. I guess the future only knows how that will turn out.
Whatever life holds for me, this part that makes up a large part of who I am will forever be hidden from you because of the raging fear I have flowing through my body.
Your small town girl
Browsing through a submission blog with heart warming pictures, photo sets, and stories of lesbian couples leaves me happy and sad at the same time. Happy for them— without bitterness. And sad for me.
I’m starting to accept— slowly, painfully, yet with full understanding— that although the circumstances I’m facing right now may not be in my favor and is not working for me, at least it’s working perfectly for them. It gives me a li’l faith somehow that someday, somewhere, I’d be able to write my own love story.
When that day comes, I promise you, there’ll be no single day she wouldn’t feel how important she is to me. Until then, I’m molding myself to be a better person— a person that will be confident to say someday “I deserve this blessing. I deserve her”.
I’m not sorry I’ve developed the feelings I have for you. What I am sorry about is that the timing couldn’t possibly be worse. You’re married and obviously settled into your life. I didn’t know this until I started to include you in my day to day routine, too late to just walk away. Would I? No.
Your preferences. What exactly, to be clear, are your preferences? In real life are you bisexual? Obviously you’re ‘in the closet’, but for how long? Don’t get me wrong, it’s safe and often times comfortable in there, I get that. I don’t mind if you never come out. I understand your reason for staying inside.
You talk about us in such explicit detail, but could you really do those things? At times I don’t think you could. Would you kiss me, touch the most intimate areas of my body? At times I think you can only fantasize of doing it. Would you let me touch you in the ways I’ve wanted to? I think you’d flinch and turn away. Do you see us side by side in your life? There’s really no room for me there. Could you look me in the eyes? No, I don’t think you could.
I’m scared to tell people who I really am. I’m scared I will lose people who mean so much to me. I’m scared that people will tell me that it’s wrong to be in love. I’m scared of who I may become from staying secretive for so long. I’m scared my grandma will not invite my future girlfriends to family dinners. I’m scared that people will think I’ve been lying by being in the closet. I’m scared I will begin to slip away from the ones I love.
I’m just scared.
… It took almost 18 years for me to consider the fact, that I might be queer. Another 2 years passed getting used to the thought & embracing it as my true sexual orientation - BUT I´m neither done figuring shit out, nore am I ready to talk about it.
Right now, you´re probably feeling shut out - I´m not trying to hurt you! You´d want to ask me like a gajillion of questions, I honestly have no answers for - you´d feel not only shut out, but also pushed away.. ;(
It feels like I´m constantly lying, and like I had to justify the “changes” I´m going through to other people - I just can´t!
Please don´t give up on me - I´ll come forward, when the time is right.
I hope someday you´ll read this and understand my struggle.