Notes From Inside The Closet

This blog is for everyone who wants to come out, everyone who is coming out, everyone who is out and everyone who doesn't want to come out. Here, we can write letters to ourselves, to the people we want to come out to and anyone else about coming out.

April 9, 2014 11:07 am

Dear C.-,

Friend crushes suck.

Because I’m really attached to you, and though we are really close best friends, I worry you might sometimes think I am being too, not clingy, but wanting to be the one sitting next to you all the time. I don’t know what you think. I read too much into everything all the time. I just want to cuddle with you.

It’s even worse because you know something of it, though you still think I only felt this way last year. But the fact that our other ‘friend’ ships us, and my reaction to that, might have clued you in to the fact that I still…

But it’s not to be, because you’re straight, at least as far as I know, possibly asexual and/or aromantic as well. So this just needs to stop. It’s not as though I even wish that you were gay anymore. I gave up a while ago. But I am still in pain from how I feel, and I want it to go away. Not you, but how I feel about you.

Love,

N———

11:06 am

I’m genderfluid. She/her or they/them, whichever suits my fancy or yours at any given time.

I am female and sort of neutral at the same time. I don’t feel overly gendered either way, but more so female than male, because that’s what I have grown up with. Maybe I’m just not into the whole gender thing. That is scary to think about, but also strangely comforting to name it.

I am ok-ish, most of the time, with being perceived as female. However, that isn’t fully who I am. And that’s perfectly alright. Not quite alright with me yet, but something that I think that in time, I can come to fully accept and maybe even appreciate.

- Nat(alie)

11:06 am

Anyone who’ll listen

I just need to tell someone this, I was a club tonight with some of my friends and everything was fine, when they left I went to find my sister, and we danced and had fun until two guys tried to pull us, we danced and she could see i was uncomfortable with the advance but said “it’s ok, it will be fun, my friend knows him he’s nice.”

The problem is I’ve been lying to her since I was 14 about the fact that I never wanted a guy to pull me, that tonight I was more interested by the girl across the room who was mesmerised by the music with her dark hair falling over her face, over her collarbones, her eyelashes flickering as she jumped to the beat in the club, crystals of sweat forming on her chest and rolling onto her top from the heat of the bodies around her. I’ve been lying to my mother about the friends I go out with being just friends instead of those I’m trying to love after the last girl broke my heart or I broke theirs.

Every time my aunt calls me to check that I am ok and that I am not losing myself in my books, it slips off my tongue so smoothly that no I haven’t met any nice guys yet because if I told her I met nice girls she would disown me like she did her own daughter, for nothing more than being happy, for being herself.

For everytime I wish I had my Dad to hold me still, when a girl broke my heart and he would have been the only one to pull me away from the emotionless robot he knew I could be if no-one helped me. And I feel like I might be letting him down by being who I am. Something I will never know.

Yet I come up with excuse after excuse, and lie to myself so I don’t have to tell them, not to give them a chance to be accepting. “I’ll tell them when I have been going out with someone for a while,” “maybe I’m not true maybe I will grow out of it” after six years perhaps not. 

The worst thing about this was losing the only girl who ever accepted everything about me because I was too scared that it might work out and I would have to be honest. So I lied to her too, I looked her straight in the eyes and told her she would be better off finding someone else because I was too fucked up to love and I could never love her the way she wanted me to. The truth was I already did, I loved her more than I new I could, but I lied to myself about that too.

11:06 am

askerquestioner

Anonymous: *hugs* i don't know. i'm giving hugs to people who deserve them. ^--^

<3

April 4, 2014 5:33 pm

Alone, Afraid, and Broken

I feel so alone. I have nobody I can turn to. Well, maybe I do, but I don’t know how. A year and a half ago my best friend and I realized we both fell for each other which was a difficult situation for both of us because neither of us had been supporters of gay marriage. It’s not that I had any hatred, I just followed the church’s views because I didn’t understand. It was difficult being with her because we couldn’t tell anyone, but she was the most beautiful thing in the world and I thought we were so happy together.  She reminded me what it was like to be happy and enjoy life again.  Then, when I was ready to try to start accepting myself I waited to talk to her about it in person and tell her how much I loved her when she texted me a few days beforehand to break things off because within two weeks she lost all feelings for me and was ready to be with another girl.  It tore me apart.

After that, I wasn’t sure what to do because I no longer felt it was worth telling anybody. Atleast if I had an amazing girl by my side I had a reason, but what was the point for me to come out if I had nothing positive to come from it? Well it’s been a couple months and I feel as though I need to tell someone. Having these thoughts alone is terrifying. I tried so hard to convince myself I like guys after that, but I always think what would make me like him better and for every guy I realize my answer: if he was a girl.  I can’t make a connection, I’m not sexually attracted to them, sure I think some are cute and I feel comfortable with them, but they are nothing like girls. 

My problem with coming out is that many of my friends and family will not support me.  Even those who are accepting I know will feel differently about me.  I know the phrase about those who mind don’t matter, but they do matter to me.  It’s such a struggle because I’m Catholic and I follow the church, but this has been a struggle between myself and God too.  I considered telling a friend, but I’m just not sure how and I don’t know how to accept myself. I really need to talk to someone and have some guidance from somebody who’s been through this, but I have nowhere to turn.  I feel like I’m constantly hiding my true self and lying to people which sends me deeper into a depressed, alone state. It just makes me feel that there is something wrong with me. I can’t even put a picture on tumblr for fear that people I know will find it and find out who I am…really am. I’m not sure if I’ve conveyed my feelings at all through this but I really just don’t want anybody to see me differently.  I do not want to be this way, I do not want this struggle, but it is here. I would not have chosen it otherwise.  I know in my heart that as much as I try to hide it I do like girls and that at some point I will need to come to terms with it.  I’m 18 and I’m so worried that it will take me too long and I’ll miss out on a lot of fun throughout college while I’m busy hiding. I just feel afraid and alone and I don’t know where to turn.

5:33 pm

I didn’t realize I could have feelings for another girl until I got to college, and I met her. I instantly noticed her wit, how intelligent and hilarious she was. She flirted with me in the back of our research methods class, told me how I was one of the most gorgeous people she had ever seen. I blushed, and I was shy about it, but eventually I realized how much I wanted to talk to her 24/7, to cuddle with her, to cook spaghetti with her and dream of the future. She makes me so happy, and we have been together for 8 months now.

I started coming out slowly, first to the people I trust the most. My best friends, her friends, my mom. They were all so incredible and supportive. They got to know her and love her as well. I was so happy, but had this constant feeling of stress, knowing that not everybody knew. 

Yesterday, my ex-boyfriend, who thought I had been single for all this time, told me he still has feelings for me. He hoped that I, too, was holding on for him. He poured himself out to me, talking about the past, and how he wished he had never hurt me.

Then, I told him about her. I had to—I couldn’t lie about it. His first reaction was shock, then I think he felt insulted and confused. He asked me if this was just a phase, asked me if I was “committed to this lifestyle”. I told him I am committed to a person, to a relationship. It was so incredibly difficult to watch his frustration as he attempted to wrap his mind around this concept. Having only known me as dating men, he seemed to think this was fake, or that I had been lying to him all along. He is, unfortunately, the type of person who does not believe in bisexuality—he thinks people are either gay and know it from the beginning, or they are completely straight. 

He told me, “you probably just want companionship”. He told me “I’m sure you’re lonely—but we’re all a little lonely sometimes”. He said, “I thought you were the type of girl who wanted to have her own kids someday”. He said “you have personality traits that could only fit in a relationship with a man”. He told me “I have known gay people before, and they usually knew way earlier than this”. He asked “are you ACTUALLY attracted to her, physically??”

These questions were difficult to answer without the pangs of hurt coming up, but I did as best I could. I told him that I want to be with her because she makes me happy. I am proud of myself for not backing down, giving in, apologizing. There should be no obligation for me to have to explain my life to anyone, anymore. Acting on my feelings is my choice, and it should not be questioned. 

I am not sorry and I never will be sorry. I hope that I can find the courage to continue to come out to those close to me, and eventually be fully free and completely out.

One step at a time…

Keep your heads up, babes.

<3 <3 <3 H

5:33 pm

Dear Mom

There is something I want to tell you… You didn’t agree with my decision to come out at first, Look at you now. Going to my Drag shows, Supporting my activist work and advocate work. I love you!

March 25, 2014 3:31 am

I’m bisexual. I’m 13 and a girl, lucky enough to come from a brilliantly accepting family. I’ve never really “come out” to them because I just feel like I don’t have to. But I just need to tell someone. I am bisexual. There. I said it.

2:56 am

Dear family, You’re going to hate me. Dear Church, You’ll claim I’m an abomination. Dear female friends, You’ll just think I like you and that I’m hitting on you. Dear world, This is why I’m in the closet about being bisexual. -the small girl in the batman leggings

2:20 am

I’m just browsing and came acrosd this blog i find it really amazing you take the time to help people whom are gay/lesbian to help come out. If there was more people like yourselves in the world who actually gave a crap about these things the world would be a better more respectable place. I’m straight and i have more than 50+ male gay friends who i speak to on a day to day basis and are more unique and have more class than any straight person i know. Keep up the good blog. And mass respect

-ninetyfourz

1:45 am

Hello everyone, I just reading the stories and all the things in the blog and plus some of the things that had been happening to me this year I decided to come out to my family in August because it’s my birthday and…I think it’s time. I’m scared, I’m really really scared because my family is not very open with the topic but…But I’m tired of hiding away. I just…I want to share it with you.

1:10 am

Trans Parent Coming Out

My Dad (now mom) is trans. My mothers family slandered him. They pretty much said all the typical homophobic statements to me as a kid to try to move us away from my dad. This caused me a ton of anxiety for my own sexual desires. Basically nobody ever thought I was gay. I hid it pretty damn well. Because of this, I never really had to deal with the homophobia before coming out.

My mother is into sewing and I loved to do it with her when I was little. However, when I got old enough I knew somebody would suspect it and make fun of me so I acted disinterested. I made myself like cars, sports, fishing, hunting, etc… None of which I was the least bit interested in. It pretty much got to the point where even I didn’t believe I was gay. I convinced myself that I like girls, but never once tried to be in a relationship with them. I was unhappy, and this pretty much continued throughout my entire teen years. Now six months ago, I had a counselor and I began to tell her some of my sexual thoughts. I also told her about my new friend who was flirting all over me and she suggested I asked her out. She is super pretty so I did. I was super awkward, and just all together disinterested. Later that evening, after being rejected in which I wasn’t even really upset about, I began to think to myself. I realized I just didn’t like girls that evening. It pretty much just came to me like a lightbulb. The next day I saw her I passed her a note in my chem lecture that said “I might be gay” and it pretty much took off from there. 

So I began by telling my friends. I told my best friend who lives on the other side of the country now over Facebook. The I told my super christian friend who was totally supportive and was happy for me. I was tired of being in the closet, I just wanted the world to know so I could get this all over with and finally be myself, so I decided I needed to tell my family. I was scared shit less to tell my dad. I was scared that he was going to blame himself for being trans and that he would think he caused it all and that I would cause him a bunch of despair. So I neglected telling her at first and told my Grandmother (dad’s side). She was surprised, but it was pretty anti-climatic. She just said well I still love you. Then I thought well that went well, I’ll tell my mom. So I came out to my mom over the phone and she just said, oh okay. I was expecting some super lecture from her but nope, just okay, lots of successful gay people out there happy for you. So at this point I was pretty confused. I had perceived coming out as a super hard experience and I had a lot of anxiety over it!

Everything had gone smooth for me so far, so I knew I had to tell my dad. I was terrified. I didn’t want my dad to blame herself. She didn’t cause me to be like this I was born this way. And so, super anxious and shaking, I went down and said “I’m gay” as quiet as possible. Of course with her bad hearing she didn’t hear me so I had to say it again… (hardest thing ever). She heard me this time and just said “I Know” cheekily. “You left your Facebook up on my lab top when you told your best friend.” She wasn’t upset what so ever, she knew she didn’t cause me to be this way. Then after some hugs, I went upstairs and face palmed at my desk for about 2 hours.

I’m still not completely out of the closet, I haven’t told my other grandparents who I know will lecture me and take me to church with them so I think I’m just not going to tell them. Other than them though, I’m pretty much openly gay. I am allowing myself to like the stuff that I never liked before and I’m getting super interested in fashion. I am starting to date, and just starting to act like myself around others. I’ve never been happier. :) 

I want to help other people struggling coming out because I know how ridiculously hard it is. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, even with it going so well. Just opening your mouth and saying “I’m LGBT” takes a lot of willpower and strength! Feel free to ask me for any advice or questions. 

Love,

Austin 

12:35 am

Think of my closet as the closet (ok, technically a wardrobe) in ‘The Lion,the Witch and the Wardrobe’….you know the one that leads into Narnia? Well basically, that is how deep in the closet i am..so deep in my little wardrobe of sapphism that i’ve ended up all the way into Narnia..
Anyway, i’m 17 and i’ve known that i’m not straight since, to be honest, i was like 6 or 7. I say ‘not straight’ because i’m still kind of scared of fully admitting to it, and part of me is always trying to rationalise what i’m feeling by telling myself that i’m actually just delusional or bored or that i just need to try it with a few more guys..and not gay at all. 
But, i’m guessing a straight girl wouldn’t spend her downtime watching ANY lesbian themed films or TV series she can get her hands on, or falling in love with practically every girl she meets, or know what the word sapphic means.. ha 

I mean, i’m talking about it jokingly, but thats because i still don’t really know how to take it seriously. Truth is though, i feel so fucking desperate and alone right now. I’ve never talked to anyone about it, i don’t have anygay friends or even know anyone my age who’s gay, and to be honest, i’ve lost almost all of my friends in the past year because i’ve turned into such a depressed little introvert. I have no release, nowhere to let all these pent up feelings go (hence why i ended up getting tumblr,and submitting this). I hate being in this shitty closet, but i’m nowhere near ready to be out of it.

I know i’m never going to be happy this way, but how could i possibly come out with no one to really help me through it? And even if i did come out, what then? the close-minded shithole where i live wouldn’t exactly be the most accepting, and i can’t really move out. Maybe i’m being too melodramatic about the whole thing, but it just feels so ‘end of the world’ to not be able to be myself and by with girls who i could love and cuddle and..yeah.

It took me a while to finally submit this..  I’m scared that people even here will judge me.

March 24, 2014 11:25 pm

I’m gay. I’m going to marry the love of my life. Even if my parents think she’s the devil. Thats about it.

10:50 pm

why is it that we have to come out of the closet? Why do people just assume everyone is straight unless we tell that we aren’t? it makes no sense. we all know non-straight people exist and it’s not a rare thing anymore, infact its actually becoming quite regular now. I think nobody should identify themselves as “lesbian” “gay” bi-sexual” or even “straight”. I think its time to drop these labels and just identify ourselves as “one person looking for a match to our soul, despite our genders” who cares if it’s two guys, two girls, or a guy and a girl. we should just let people love whoever they want and not worry about it because its not our business. 

-cassandradawn7