Notes From Inside The Closet

I have been a smoker for over half my life.  I started out in high school to be one with the girls.  I smoked Newports because the crush of my life (a bi-girl) smoked Newports and I wanted to be one of the girls.  When I was  in college I had a girlfriend that smoked Virginia Slims.  She got me hooked on them.  Now as an adult, I smoke Newports in public and Virginia Slims Menthol in private.  I am so ashamed that when I buy my smokes I say the Virginia Slims Menthol are “the ones she wants”.  I so want to smoke Virginia Slims Menthol in public and show my feminine side, but I still smoke Newports in public to prove my manly qualities.  My high school crush is one of my friends on facebook.  She has come out public about her sexuality.  Now that I am finally coming out of the closet I want to contact her and tell her about my sexuality.  

Still Smoking in the Closet  

You know I like you, and it seems you don’t like me back. Still, you keep looking at me in class. Also. Could you stop being so f***ing attractive!

You’re honestly one of the greatest friends I’ve ever had, but it’s sort of depressing because I can tell that you don’t like me as much as you did before I came out to you. I just wish that you could accept me no matter my sexuality or gender, because I would, you.

A—

I think I’m in love with you. Like, really. I know that it’s crazy and we’re only 15 and you’re probably straight but that doesn’t really matter.

You’re perfectly imperfect, and I watch you live in her shadow everyday and I love you even more for it. I watch you suffering and I can’t do anything about it and it makes me love you so much more. Your laugh and your hair and your voice are so gorgeous. When you smile I can see your spirit in your eyes, and what I see is the most beautiful thing in the world.

Forever yours,

Perry

Well I did it. I finally came out of the closet. Turned out I had the key to unlock the door the whole time, but was just to scared to see what was on the other side.  When I opened the door I found nothing but loving friends that support me and just want to see me happy. Don’t let fear rule your life. Just be you and do what makes you happy! I know not everyone is lucky to have supportive friends, but luckily I do and I think a lot of you will be surprised at how many people are there for you. I have not come out to my family yet, but now that I know I have my friends support it will make that next step that much easier. I used this page a lot to help me through my ups and downs, so if anyone needs someone to just talk to or anything I’m a great listener and would be more than happy to help anyone in anyway that I can. Dream without fear, and live without regrets.

                  -Allie (:

We enjoyed some great times together. Then, life happened, and you graduated, I withdrew from college, and we wound up 1000 miles apart.

You go on with your life, working towards a Master’s. You’ve met a guy to be friends with, and you are possibly working toward a committed hetero-normative relationship with him, with a Sacramental Catholic marriage as the whipped cream and cherry. All I will ever be to you is that awkward lesbi-asexual frosh that came out at the wrong moment, then fell for you like dominoes.

I am the one that will always go against the grain, and be pushed away. I’m the one that is not allowed to marry sacramentally. I’m working minimum wage as a college dropout. And here’s the thing:

You were the one that made me realize who I was.

Read More

What’s the point? I say I’m bi and people think: “oh, you have twice as many people date”, “you like threesomes”, “you’re a slut”. The truth is, I just fall in love with both men and women. So, I have twice as many people to put me down. I don’t want a threesome, at least not when I can’t even get laid with ONE person. And I’m a virgin. At 24. It’s too much to handle. I feel like it’s too late for a first time. It’s too late for someone to like me back. I’ll just have to settle for whoever likes me. I don’t want to. I want to be with you, but I can’t make you feel the same way. It seems I’ll have to be unhappy with my unrequited love for you for a while.. 

To my best friend…

You came out to me yesterday. I just want to tell you how proud I am of you, and I just wish you could know that I accept it. I don’t want to brag that I knew since we were in sixth grade, much to my disappointment; but only because I had a crush on you.

So again. Know that I will always be your friend, and that this doesn’t affect my opinion of you at all. I know that lots of people will use their religion, my religion as well, to make an excuse that your feelings are “unnatural” or “not what God intended.” Don’t listen to them. It’s bull. Bull.

I am so very happy for you, and I wish you the best of luck on your journey to acceptance. But there was something I wanted to tell you so bad when you told me. I couldn’t…it was too hard. So I’ll say it now: I have been struggling with who I was for a while. At first I thought that everyone was like this, but then I started to realize that I had feelings for girls, too. Of course, I’ve always liked guys and I always will, but I can’t help but see everyone equally “likable” in my eyes.

I couldn’t tell you this because you are so brave. I am afraid. You are surrounded by family and friends that accept you, and I know that you would accept me if I told you. But my dad wouldn’t, my grandparents…so many people I’ve known my whole life wouldn’t accept me. I am cowardly. That’s why I admire you so much, because I can’t do what you did, and I probably never will.

But this isn’t supposed to be about me.

I am proud of you, as a friend, and all I wanted you to know was how much my opinions didn’t change when you told me. Just thank you, for being my friend when no one else was.

Love,

Your best friend.

Dear 14 year-old me,

It really does get better. Granted, things aren’t the best they could be right now at 19, but it does get better. The feelings you feel right now are totally normal: you know, the feelings you get of not “being like everyone else” because you aren’t that attracted to anyone, and the weird feelings you get when you’re asked by someone if you think a guy is cute or what you picture your perfect husband to look like. You might have the feeling you fit more with the LGBTQ community for some reason, but you’re not sure why just yet. As you get to be 15, 16, 17, unbearable feelings of general hopelessness, depression, and anxiety will start to dwell within you, but you know what?

It gets better.

You know how I know that? In two years, you will meet someone who will impact your life forever in ways you won’t even begin to imagine. You won’t realize it then, but she’s your soulmate. She will make you feel things that no one else ever made you feel, and she will help you uncover yourself, and your demi-/pansexuality. Yup, there’s a name for what you’re feeling.

You are not alone.

Countless other people have felt what you’re feeling right now. There is hope. Before you turn 20, you will be moved out on your own, and you will be off at college with your soulmate, off to be with her forever and ever. Even when Mom reacts negatively to when you half come out to her about your girlfriend, know that it does get better. Hang in there, do not lose hope.

— Me

Today, my friend asked me again why I still haven’t gotten a boyfriend. I wanted to say, “because I date girls,” but I couldn’t. So I just told her that my parents wouldn’t let me go out yet.

I wish I didn’t feel so awkward when my friends talk about boys.

I wish I could openly discuss attractive girls the way my friends compare “hot” guys. 

I wish I could find someone else out there like me. I know that there are, but it must be difficult two lesbians to find each other if neither one will admit to being gay.

I wish I felt more comfortable among certain family members who happen to be very conservative.

I wish I didn’t feel ashamed of who I am.

Dear all you lovely people who are a part of my life, 

Most of you, with the seemingly ironic exception of my close relatives, already know that I’m lesbian. It’s old news—four whole years of growing up and self-discovery have rendered coming out conversations unnecessary  and you all get it and you love me and I can express my sexuality openly with you. I thank you for that. You have given me an amazing gift with your acceptance and your love of me, and I every day I am astonished because when this whole process first began I never thought I would be so accepted, that my sexuality would be no big deal. 

But there’s another side of me that I don’t talk about often, express even less, and only publicly consider in very specific situations. I’m…trans? I don’t feel totally comfortable using that term to self-identify and I don’t know why. But I’m definitely genderqueer, and for some reason or another it’s taken me a lot longer to accept this about myself than it was to accept my sexuality.

I’m so uncertain about this whole thing. Gender is pretty hard to explain by itself, but my gender? I can’t…there’s not exactly a term (and I’ve done some looking) that can really describe it. Some days I’m totally comfortable as a girl, some days I actually have really bad dysphoria; some days I’m fine with a pretty feminine presentation, other days I’m really not at all. It’s this shifting, wobbling mess. Do I even need to tell you all about this? Should I? What would that even look like? How can I get you to understand something I’ve been trying (and failing) to understand for the past three and a half years? Can I accept myself without sharing this with you? Can I embrace this part of me and still have pride in being a woman, in being lesbian and active in both those communities? Do I want to change my name? What should I change it to? AHHHHH. 

Damn, I’m so confused. 

Love always, me. 

Dear CC,

So it’s been, what, a month and a half since I came out to you after our robotics party. It was hard for me, harder than it should have been. I tell myself that I should feel open around you, and I try, but I can’t bring myself to really open up to anybody, not even you, my best friend.

I’m confused. I definitely had a crush on you all the way from September to this spring break, but now I’m not so sure. Shouldn’t I be able to confide in you? I have a really hard time sharing my deepest thoughts, and I never have. I thought that my feelings for you had stopped, but every time Jean kind of cuddles up to you, etc., and takes you away, I feel really bad inside. I get angry, and I look away, but you never notice. No one ever notices anything, ever, not even you. I thought that you might be secretly looking out for me like I look out for you. I watch you out of the corner of my eye sometimes, trying to read your wonderful face. And sometimes I feel someone watching me and I look up, hopeful, but it’s never you.

This kind of brings me to something I want to ask you. I told you that I am gay in a text and we had a short conversation about it, in which you communicated that you cared. But you didn’t tell me anything in return, so I am assuming you’re straight, and judging by two small comments you’ve made, then you are… sucks for me. I just want to know so that I don’t have to agonize over this any more.

But you didn’t just not tell me anything. You didn’t say anything at all about it to me the next day. I would have been content with just a “How are you?” I really needed a hug, something, from you that day, and nothing ever came. At break I talked to you and I could see that you were feeling the presence of the elephant in the room. Why didn’t you say anything? I need closure. I can’t stand keeping secrets from you, especially one like this. You are the one person I want to talk to and who I think would try to understand.

When I am around you, I feel so happy. You are so wonderful, so devastatingly intellectually badass, so beautiful. There are times that I just want to braid your hair and tell you how lovely you are, and then discuss quantum physics or neuroscience or human evolution and every other obscure topic we could dream of. I want to travel the world with you. I want to dance with you to the Beatles and to Mozart’s horn concertos. I want you to know that I love you and that though this may not be forever, I am who I am now, and this is part of me.

Love,

Me, your almost intellectually badass friend

At least, that’s what you implied

when you compared us to Romeo ad Juliet.

But I have to wonder, if we are soulmates,

shouldn’t things be a little bit easier?

And why did you say it so cryptically?

Instead of just

saying it.

Is it because

you didn’t want anyone else to overhear 

or because

you’re afraid to say it?

You said that next year

I’ll replace you easily

but you’ll never be able to replace me.

And I can’t decide if

you’re afraid I’m going to move on 

or if

you’re asking me to because you think 

you aren’t good enough for me.

Last week we laid in your bed and

talked about our wedding.

This week you told me

you’ll never understand being gay.

I don’t understand

how you can so callously hurt me.

Especially after

everything we’ve been through.

For the past three years you’ve been

the only one

for me. 

And I’ve waited.

I’ve waited while you dated girls.

I’ve waited while you dated boys.

I waited after you came out to me.

I waited after you went back in the closet.

But next year I’m moving away.

And you’re right, I probably will 

find someone

to replace you.

But when I come home

it will be back to

me and you.

And I’ll still wonder

do you mean it when you say you love me?

You know how I feel about you. But you are with someone. You’re my best friend. We’ve all accepted things for the way they are, especially me. As long as I get to have you in my life, as long as that person makes you truly happy, I can be happy. But there’s just one thing I wish I could do.

I don’t feel like I’m allowed to say why I’m in love with you, just that I am. I can’t write a love letter to someone who already has a someone. So I can write it like this, put it out in the world, and hope you’ll one day read it and smile, wondering whether or not it’s about you. Like that one song. So this is my love letter to you.

I love your tenacity. I know what you’ve been through and I know who you are now. To come out the other side, being as loving and open minded as you are…that’s rare.

I love your mind. You’re not just intelligent, you’re insightful. You go places that most people don’t, and not because they can’t but because they don’t want to. You’re fascinated by the why, by the root causes, by the motivation.

I love your beauty. It’s not just that you are pretty. It’s that you own it. I look at you and for that little fleeting moment I forget that I could be attracted to anyone else on the face of the planet, man or woman. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

I love your talents. I love that you have this innate ability to teach because I admire it. I love that you can do almost anything. You’re athletic, you’re artistic, and you’re willing to try things that I’m not. That willingness in itself is a talent.

I love your ability to love. I love that you’ve done everything you possibly can to help ease the pain of the situation for me. You didn’t have to. But you understand what I need and what you can give, and you match those two things up beautifully. I love the lengths you go to for the person you love. You have a capacity for caring that some people don’t possess.

I love that you’ve let us stay so close. You’re willing to deal with the difficult, to make it work. I know you say you need me too, but you and I both know that really…you have someone else. And eventually, hopefully, I will too. But we’re still friends, so thank you.

I would be prouder than anyone possibly could to call you my girl, but since I can’t I’m happy to be prouder than anyone possibly could to call you my best friend. I’ll be proud to be your best friend, you best man, your anything you need. Just let me know.

I love you. I really do.